
Or > i 









■^ 






^Ov; 
















.0 



<{5°^ 







" " ° " ^o ^-i-^ 






't.o^ 




./ V ^ 













4 o 
















<-s^<^^\ "^ 



- - /\ 
<r, 'o . » * G^ "Kd 

qV « o , 



^_^ 
•^ 



THE CYNIC'S 
WORD BOOK 



BY 



AMBROSE BIERCE 




NEW YORK 

Doubleday, Page & Company 

1906 



LIBRAHYol CONGRESS 

Two Copies Rec«ived 

SEP 2n906 

CiDyritit Entry 

C'Oa^^ So,/? 06. 

class/ /Z XXc, No. 
COPY I. 






Copyright, 1906, by 

Doubleday, Page & Company 

Published October, 1906 



All rights reserved, 

including that of translation into foreign languages, 

including the Scandina'vian. 



PREFACE 

With reference to certain actual and 
possible questions of priority and orig- 
inality, it may be explained that this 
Word Book was begun in the San Fran- 
cisco "Wasp" in the year 1881, and 
has been continued, in a desultory way, 
in several journals and periodicals. As 
it was no part of the author's purpose to 
define all the words in the language, or 
even to make a complete alphabetical 
series, the stopping-place of the book 
was determined by considerations of 
bulk. In the event of this volume 
proving acceptable to that part of the 
reading public to which in humility it 



PREFACE 

is addressed — enlightened souls who 
prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sen- 
timent, good English to slang, and wit 
to humor — there may possibly be an- 
other if the author be spared for the 
compiling. 

A conspicuous, and it is hoped not 
unpleasing, feature of the book is its 
abundant illustrative quotations from 
eminent poets, chief of whom is that 
learned and ingenious cleric. Father 
Gassalasca Jape, S. J., whose lines bear 
his initials. To Father Jape's kindly 
encouragement and assistance the author 
of the prose text is greatly indebted. 

A. B. 

Washington, D. C, 
May, 1906 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 



The Cynic'^s Word Book 

A 

Abasement, «. A decent and cus- 
tomary mental attitude in the pres- 
ence of wealth or power. Peculiarly- 
appropriate in an employe when ad- 
dressing an employer. 

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a 
fort, to prevent the rubbish outside 
from molesting the rubbish inside. 

ABDICATION, «. An act whereby a 
sovereign attests his sense of the 
high temperature of the throne. 

Poor Isabella 's dead, whose abdication 
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. 
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her : 
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. 
To History she '11 be no royal riddle — 
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. 

G. J. 

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the 
god Stomach, in whose worship, 
3 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

with sacrificial rights, all true men 
engage. From women this ancient 
faith commands but a stammering 
assent. They sometimes minister at 
the altar in a half-hearted and in- 
efficient way, but true reverence 
for the one deity that men really 
adore they know not. If woman 
had a free hand in the world's mar- 
keting the race would become 
graminivorous. 

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to 
accomplish some small part of the 
meaner ambitions distinguishing able 
men from dead ones. In the last 
analysis ability is commonly found to 
consist mainly in a high degree of 
solemnity. Perhaps, however, this 
impressive quality is rightly appraised ; 
it is no easy task to be solemn. 

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to 
standard. In matters of thought and 
conduct, to be independent is to be 

4 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

abnormal, to be abnormal is to be de- 
tested. Wherefore the lexicogra- 
pher adviseth a striving toward a 
straiter resemblance to the Average 
Man than he hath to himself. Who 
so attaineth thereto shall have peace, 
the prospect of death and the hope 
of Hades. 

ABORIGINES, 71. Persons of little 
worth found cumbering the soil of 
a newly discovered country. They 
soon cease to cumber ; they fertilize. 

ABRACADABRA. 

By Abracadabra we signify 

An infinite number of things. 
'T is the answer to What ? and How ? and Why ? 
And Whence ? and Whither ? — a word whereby 

The Truth (with the comfort it brings) 
Is open to all who grope in night, 
Crying for Wisdom's holy light. 

Whether the word is a verb or a noun 

Is knowledge beyond my reach. 

I only know that 't is handed down 

From sage to sage, 

From age to age — 

An immortal part of speech ! 

5 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Of an ancient man the tale is told 
That he lived to be ten centuries old, 

In a cave on a mountain side. 

(True, he finally died.) 
The fame of his wisdom filled the land, 
For his head was bald and you '11 understand 

His beard was long and white 

And his eyes uncommonly bright. 



Philosophers gathered from far and near 
To sit at his feet and hear and hear. 
Though he never was heard 
To utter a word 
But " Abracadabra^ abracadab^ 

Abracada^ abracad. 
Abraca^ abrac^ abra^ ab ! " 
'T was all he had, 
'T was all they wanted to hear, for each 
Made copious notes of the mystical speech 
Which they published next — 
A trickle of text 
In a meadow of commentary. 
Mighty big books were these, 
In number, as leaves of trees ; 
In learning, remarkable — very ! 



He 's dead. 

As I said. 
And the books of the sages have perished, 
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. 
6 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A • 

In " Abracadabra " It solemnly rings, 
Like an ancient bell that forever swings. 
Oh, I love to hear 
That word make clear 
Humanity's General Sense of Things. 

Jamrach Holobom. 

ABRIDGE, V. t. To shorten. 

" When in the course of human 
events it becomes necessary for a 
people to abridge their king, a decent 
respect for the opinions of mankind 
requires that they should declare the 
causes which impel them to the 
separation." — Oliver Cromwell. 

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without cere- 
mony, like the arrival of a cannon- 
shot and the departure of the soldier 
whose interests are most affected by it. 
Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of 
another author's ideas that they were 
" concatenated without abruption." 

ABSCOND, V. i. To " move " in a mys- 
terious way, commonly with the 
property of another. 
7 



/ 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; 
'Ihe trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. 

Phela Orm. 

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the 
tooth of detraction ; vilified ; hope- 
lessly in the wrong ; superseded in 
the consideration and affection of 
another. 

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares 
What face he carries or what form he wears ? 
But woman's body is the woman. Oh, 
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go. 
But heed the warning words the sage hath said : 
A woman absent is a woman dead. 

^ogo Tyree. 

ABSENTEE, ;/. A person with an in- 
come who has had the forethought 
to remove himself from the sphere 
of exaction. 

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irrespon- 
sible. An absolute monarchy is one 
in which the sovereign does as he 
pleases so long as he pleases the as- 
sassins. Not many absolute mon- 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

archies are left, most of them having 
been replaced by limited monarchies, 
where the sovereigns' power for evil 
(and for good) is greatly curtailed, 
and by republics, which are governed 
by chance, 

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who 
yields to the temptation of denying 
himself a pleasure. A Total Ab- 
stainer is one who abstains from every- 
thing, but abstention, and especially 
from inactivity in the affairs of others. 

Said a man to a crapulent youth : " I thought 

You a total abstainer, my son. '' 
" So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught — 

" But not, sir, a bigoted one." 

G.J. 

ABSURDITY, n. A Statement or belief 
manifestly inconsistent with one's own 
opinion. 

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where 
morality and philosophy were taught. 
9 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ACADEMY, n. [from Academe]. A 
modern school where football is 
taught. 

ACCIDENT, 71. An inevitable occurrence 
due to the action of immutable 
natural laws. 

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with 
another in a crime, having guilty 
knowledge and complicity, as an at- 
torney who defends a criminal, know- 
ing him guilty. This view of the 
attorney's position in the matter has 
not hitherto commanded the assent 
of attorneys, no one having offered 
them a fee for assenting. 

ACCORD, n. Harmony. 

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in har- 
mony with the sentiments of an 
assassin. 

ACCOUNTABILITY, «. The mother of 
caution. 

lO 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

" My accountability, bear in mind," 
Said the Grand Vizier : " Yes, yes." 

Said the Shah : " I do — 't is the only kind 
Of ability you possess." 

Joram Tate. 

ACCUSE, V. t. To affirm another's guilt 
or unworth ; most commonly as a 
justification of ourselves for having 
wronged him. 

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising 
condition of the Crusader who ab- 
sently pulled at his forelock some 
hours after a Saracen scimitar had, 
unconsciously to him, passed through 
his neck, as related by the Prince 
de Joinville. 

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of en- 
deavor and the birth of disgust. 

ACKNOWLEDGE, v. t. To confess. To 
acknowledge one another's faults is 
the highest duty imposed by our 
love of truth. 

II 



,/ 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom 
we know well enough to borrow 
from, but not well enough to lend 
to. A degree of friendship called 
slight when its object is poor or 
obscure, and " intimate " when he 
is rich or famous. 

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps ; possibly. 

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak 
teeth. 

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently 
found beneath a corset. Soluble in 
solicitate of gold. 

ADDER, ft. A species of snake. So 
called from its habit of adding 
funeral outlays to the other expenses 
of living. 

ADHERENT, «. A follower who has 
not yet obtained all that he expects 
to fret. 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious 
abstraction in politics, designed to re- 
ceive the kicks and cufFs due to the 
premier or president. A man of 
straw, proof against bad-egging and 
dead-catting. 

ADMIRABILITY, «. My kind of ability, 
as distinguished from your kind of 
ability. 

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship 
which does the talking while the 
figure-head does the thinking. 

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recogni- 
tion of another's resemblance to 
ourselves. 

ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as 
with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. 

Consigned, by way of admonition, 
His soul forever to perdition. 

Judibras. 

ADORE, V. t. To venerate expectantly. 
'3 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. 

" The man was in such deep distress," 
Said Tom, " that I could do no less 
Than give him good advice." Said Jim : 
*' If less could have been done for him 
I know you well enough, my son, 
To know that 's what you would have done." 

ye be/ yocordy. 

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle- 
ring for the ball-and-chain. 

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing pro- 
cess preparing the soul for another 
and bitter world. 

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our 
way. 

AGE, n. That period of life in which 
we compound for the vices that re- 
main by reviling those that we have 
no longer the vigor to commit. 

AGITATOR, n. A Statesman who shakes 
the fruit trees of his neighbors — to 
dislodge the worms. 
H 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. 

" Cheer up! Have you no aim in life ? " 

She tenderly inquired. 
" An aim ? Well, no, I have n't, wife ; 

The fact is — I have fired." 

G.J. 

AIR, n. That nutritious substance so 
abundantly suppHed by a bountiful 
Providence for the fattening of the 
poor. 

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious crimi- 
nal who covers his secret thieving 
with a pretence of open marauding. 

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in 
his probationary state. 

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme 
Being, as distinguished from the 
Christian, Jewish, etc. 

Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept. 
And ever for the sins of man have wept ; 

And sometimes kneeling in the temple I 
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. 

Junker Barlow. 
15 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ALLEGIANCE, «. 

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, 
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose. 
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed 
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. 

G.J. 

ALLIANCE, n. In international poli- 
tics, the union of two thieves who 
have their hands so deeply inserted 
in each other's pocket that they can- 
not separately plunder a third. 

ALLIGATOR, «. The crocodile of 
America, superior in every respect 
to the crocodile of the effete mon- 
archies of the Old World. Her- 
odotus says the Indus is, with one 
exception, the only river that pro- 
duces crocodiles, but they appear to 
have gone West and grown up with 
the other rivers. From the notches 
on his back the alligator is called a 
sawrian. 

ALONE, adj. In bad company. 
i6 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

In contact, lo ! the flint and steel, 
By spark and flame, the thought reveal 
That he the metal, she the stone, 
Had cherished secretly alone. 

Booley F'lto. 

ALTAR, n. The place whereon the 
priest formerly ravelled out the small 
intestine of the sacrificial victim for 
purposes of divination and cooked its 
flesh for the gods. The w^ord is now 
seldom used, except with reference to 
the sacrifice of their liberty and peace 
by a male and a female fool. 

They stood before the altar and supplied 
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. 
In vain the sacrifice ! — no god will claim 
An offering burnt with an unholy flame. 

M. P. Nopput. 

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick 
with equal skill a right-hand pocket 
or a left. 

AMBITION, n. An overmastering de- 
sire to be villified by enemies while 
living and made ridiculous by friends 
when dead, 
z 17 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

AMNESTY, n. The State's magnanim- 
ity to those offenders whom it would 
be too expensive to punish. 

ANOINT, V. t To grease. To conse- 
crate a king or other great function- 
ary already sufficiently slippery. 

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, 
So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. 

'Jud'tbras. 

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment in- 
spired by one's friend's friend. 

APHORISM, 71. A brief statement, bald 
in style and flat in sense. 

The flabby wine-skin of a brain 
That, spilling once and filled again, 
Voids from its impotent abysm 
The driblet of an aphorism. 

" The Mad Philosopher^' i6gy. 

APOLOGIZE, V. i. To lay the founda- 
tion for a future offence. 

APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having 

penetrated the shell of a turtle only 
i8 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

to find the creature has long been 
dead, deems it expedient to form a 
new attachment to a fresh turtle. 

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's ac- 
complice, undertaker's benefactor and 
grave worm's provider. 

When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, 
And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, 
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth 
Disease for the apothecary's health, 
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim : 
" My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name ! " 

G.J. 

APPEAL, V. t. In law, to put the dice 
into the box for another throw. 

APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully 
implanted by Providence as a solution 
to the labor question. 

APPLAUSE, ti. The echo of a platitude. 

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with 
another month added to his folly. 
19 



A TPIE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ARBITRATION, n. A modern device 
for promoting strife by substituting 
for an original dispute a score of in- 
evitable disagreements as to the man- 
ner of submitting it for settlement. 

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dig- 
nitary one point holier than a bishop. 

If I were a jolly archbishop, 
On Fridays I 'd eat all the fish up — 
Salmon and flounders and smelts ; 
On other days everything else. 

yodo Rem. 

ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan 
of your house, and plans a draft 
of your money ; who estimates the 
whole cost, and himself costs the 
whole estimate. 

ARDOR, n. The quality that distin- 
guishes love without knowledge. 

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary 
rat-pit, in which the statesman wres- 
tles with his record. 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

ARISTOCRACY, m. Government by the 
best men. (In this sense the word 
is obsolete ; so is that kind of govern- 
ment.) Fellows that wear downy- 
hats and clean shirts — guilty of edu- 
cation and suspected of bank accounts. 

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn 
by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. 

ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an 
orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged 
to a lamp-post. 

ARREST, v. t. Formally to detain one 
accused of unusualness. 

God made the v/orld in six days 
and was arrested on the seventh. — 

T^e JJyiauthorized Version. 

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly 
affected by the ladies, whom it greatly 
affects in turn. 

"Eat arsenic ? Yes, all you get," 
Consenting, he did speak up; 

"'T is better you should eat it, pet, 
Than put it in my teacup." 

'Joel Huck. 

21 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ART, n. This word has no definition. 
Its origin is related as follows by the 
ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. 

One day a wag — what would the wretch be at ? — 
Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, 
And said it was a god's name ! Straight arose 
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, 
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, 
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) 
To serve his temple and maintain the fires, 
Expound the law, manipulate the wires. 
Amazed, the populace the rites attend. 
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend. 
And, inly edified to learn that two 
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) 
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit 
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split. 
Bring cates and wines forsacrificial feasts. 
And sell their garments to support the priests. 

ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging 
quality to which women attain by 
long study and severe practice upon 
the admiring male, who is pleased to 
fancy it resembles the candid simplic- 
ity of his young. 

ASPERSE, V. t Maliciously to ascribe 
to another vicious actions which one 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK A 

has not had the temptation and op- 
portunity to commit. 

ASS, n. A pubUc singer with a good 
voice but no ear. In Virginia City, 
Nevada, he is called the Washoe 
Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and 
everywhere the Donkey. The animal 
is widely and variously celebrated in 
the literature, art, and religion of every 
age and country ; no other so engages 
and fires the human imagination as this 
noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted 
by some (Ramasilus, /Of. II., De Cletn., 
and C. Stantatus, De Tejnperamente) 
if it is not a god ; and as such we know 
it was worshipped by the Etruscans, 
and, if we may believe Macrobius, 
by the Capasians also. Of the only 
two animals admitted into the Ma- 
hometan Paradise along with the souls 
of men, the ass that carried Balaam 
is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers 
the other. This is no small distinc- 
tion. From what has been written 
23 



A THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

about this beast might be compiled 
a library of great splendor and mag- 
nitude, rivaling that of the Shak- 
spearean cult, and that which clusters 
about the Bible. It may be said, 
generally, that all literature is more 
or less Asinine. 

*' Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; 
" Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! 
Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine : 
God made all else, the Mule — the Mule is thine!" 

G.J. 

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who pro- 
claims with a hammer that he has 
picked a pocket with his tongue. 

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in 
the South Sea, whose industrial and 
commercial development has been 
unspeakably retarded by an unfor- 
tunate dispute among geographers as 
to whether it is a continent or an 
island. 

AVERNUS, n. The lake by which 
the ancients entered the infernal 
24 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

regions. The fact that access to 
the infernal regions was obtained by 
a lake is believed by the learned 
Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have 
suggested the Christian rite of bap- 
tism by immersion. This, however, 
has been shown by Lactantius to 
be an error. 

Facilis descensus Averni^ 

The poet remarks ; and the sense 
Of it is that when down hill I turn I 

Will get more of punches than pence. 

Jehal Dai Lupe. 

AVERSION, n. The feeling that one 
has for the plate after he has eaten 
its contents, madam. 



Baal, n. A deity formerly much wor- 
shipped under various names. As 
Baal he was popular with the Phce- 
nicians ; as Belus or Bel he had the 
25 



/ 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

honor to be served by the priest 
Berosus, who wrote the famous ac- 
count of the Deluge ; as Babel he had 
a tower partly erected to his glory on 
the Plain of Shinar. From Babel 
comes our English word " babble." 
Under whatever name worshipped, 
Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub 
he is the god of flies, which are 
begotten of the sun's rays on stag- 
nant water. In Physicia Baal is still 
worshipped as Bolus, and as Belly he 
is adored and served with abundant 
sacrifice by the priests of Guttle and 
Swig. 

BABE, or BABY, n. A misshapen crea- 
ture of no particular age, sex, or con- 
dition, chiefly remarkable for the 
violence of the sympathies and antip- 
athies it excites in others, itself with- 
out sentiment or emotion. There 
have been famous babes ; for ex- 
ample, little Moses, from whose 

adventure in the bulrushes the Egyp- 
26 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

tian hierophants of seven centuries 
before doubtless derived their idle 
tale of the child Osiris being preserved 
on a floating lotus leaf. 

Ere babes were invented 

The girls were contented. 

Now man is tormented 
Until to buy babes he has squandered 
His money. And so I have pondered 

This thing, and thought may be 

'T were better that Baby 
The First had been eagled or condored. 

Ro Amil. 



BACCHUS, w. A convenient deity in- 
vented by the ancients as an excuse 
for getting drunk. 

Is public worship, then, a sin, 

That for devotions paid to Bacchus 

The lictors dare to run us in, 

And resolutely thump and whack us ? 

Horace. 

BACK, n. That part of your friend 
which it is your privilege to contem- 
plate in your adversity. 
27 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

BACKBITE, V. t. To " speak of a man 
as you find him " when he can't find 
you. 

BAIT, n. A preparation that renders 
the hook more palatable. The best 
kind is beauty. 

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such ef- 
ficacy that he who finds himself in 
heaven without having undergone it 
will be unhappy forever. It is per- 
formed with water in two ways — 
by immersion, or plunging, and by 
aspersion, or sprinkling. 

But whether the plan of immersion 
Is better than simple aspersion 

Let those immersed 

And those aspersed 
Decide by the Authorized Version, 
And by matching their agues tertian. 

G. J. 

BAROMETEK, n. An ingenious instru- 
ment which indicates what kind of 
weather we are having. 
28 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

BARRACK, n. A house in which sol- 
diers enjoy a portion of that of which 
it is their business to deprive others. 

BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort 
of serpent hatched from the egg of 
a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, 
and its glance was fatal. Many in- 
fidels deny this creature's existence, 
but Semprello Aurator saw and han- 
dled one that had been blinded by 
lightning as a punishment for having 
fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom 
Jupiter loved. Juno afterward re- 
stored the reptile's sight and hid it 
in a cave. Nothing is so well at- 
tested by the ancients as the existence 
of the basilisk, but the cocks have 
stopped laying eggs. 

BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on 
wood without exertion. 

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony 
substituted for religious worship, with 
29 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

what spiritual efficacy has not been 
determined. 

The man who taketh a steam bath 
He loseth all the skin he hath, 
And, for he 's boiled a brilliant red, 
Thinketh to cleanliness he 's wed. 
Forgetting that his lungs he 's soiling 
With dirty vapors of the boiling. 

Richard Gwow. 

BATTLE, n. A method of untying with 
the teeth a pohtical knot that would 
not yield to the tongue. 

BEARD, ;/. The hair that is com- 
monly cut off by those who justly 
execrate the absurd Chinese custom 
of shaving the head. 

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a 
woman charms a lover and terrifies 
a husband. 

BEFRIEND, v. t. To make an ingrate. 

BEG, V. To ask for something with an 
earnestness proportioned to the belief 
that it will not be given. 

30 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

Who is that, father ? 

A mendicant, child, 
Haggard, morose, and unaffable — wild ! 
See how he glares through the bars of his cell ! 
With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. 

Why did they put him there, father ? 

Because 
Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. 

His belly ? 

Oh, well, he was starving, my boy — 
A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. 
No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry 
Was " Bread ! " ever " Bread ! " 

What 's the matter with pie ? 

With little to wear, he had nothing to sell ; 
To beg was unlawful — improper as well. 

Why did n't he work ? 

He would even have done that. 
But men said : " Get out ! " and the State re- 
marked : " Scat ! " 
I mention these incidents merely to show 
That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. 
Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, 
But for trifles — 

Pray what did bad Mendicant do? 

Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack 
And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. 

Is that all father dear ? 

3» 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

There is little to tell : 
They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to — 

well, 
The company 's better than here we can boast, 
And there 's — 

Bread for the needy, dear father? 

Um — toast. 

Atka Mtp. 

BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on 
the assistance of his friends. 

BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as deter- 
mined, not by principle, but by 
breeding. The word seems to be 
somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jam- 
rach Holobom's translation of the 
following lines in the Dies Ira: 

Recordare, Jesu pie, 
Quod sum causa tuae viae 
Ne me perdas ilia die. 

Pray remember, sacred Savior, 

Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your 

Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. 

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beauti- 
ful lady; in English a deadly poison. 
32 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

A striking example of the essential 
identity of the two tongues. 

BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks, 
otherwise known as black friars. 

He thought it a crow, but it turned out to be 

A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. 
" Here 's one of an order of cooks," said he — 
" Black friars in this world, fried black in the 
next." 

" The Devil on Earth " (J^ondon^ I'^I2^. 

BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes 
heavy purchases of ingratitude, with- 
out, however, materially affecting the 
price, which is still within the means 
of all. 

BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation 
i^Coma Berenices^ named in honor of 
one who sacrificed her hair to save her 
husband. 

Her locks an ancient lady gave 
Her loving husband's life to save ; 
And men — they honored so the dame — 
Upon some stars bestowed her name. 
3 33 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

But to our modern married fair, 

Who 'd give their lords to save their hair, 

No stellar recognition 's given. 

There are not stars enough in heaven. 

G. J. 

BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for 
which the wisdom of the future will 
adjudge a punishment called trigamy. 

BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and 
zealously attached to an opinion that 
you do not entertain. 

BILLINGSGATE, «. The invective of 
an opponent. 

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of dis- 
asters. As to the nature of it there 
appears to be no uniformity. Castor 
and Pollux were born from the egg. 
Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea 
was once a block of stone. Peresilis, 
who wrote in the tenth century, avers 
that he grew up out of the ground 
where a priest had spilled holy water. 
It is known that Arimaxus was de- 
34 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

rived from a hole in the earth, made 
by a stroke of Hghtning. Leucome- 
don was the son of a cavern in Mount 
iEtna, and I have myself seen a man 
come out of a wine cellar. 

BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qual- 
ities, prepared for the display like a 
box of berries in a market — the 
fine ones on top — have been opened 
on the wrong side. An inverted 
gentleman. 

BLANK-VERSE, «. Unrhymed iambic 
pentameters — the most difficult kind 
of English verse to write acceptably ; 
a kind, therefore, much affected by 
those who cannot acceptably write 
any kind. 

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of 
grave-worms. One who supplies the 
young physicians with that with 
which the old physicians have sup- 
plied the undertaker. The hyena. 
35 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

" One night," a doctor said, " last fall, 
I and my comrades, four in all, 

When visiting a grave-yard stood 
Within the shadow of a wall. 

" While waiting for the moon to sink 
We saw a wild hyena slink 

About a new-made grave, and then 
Begin to excavate its brink ! 

" Shocked by the horrid act, we made 
A sally from our ambuscade, 

And, falling on the unholy beast, 
Dispatched him with a pick and spade." 

Bettel K. Jhones. 

BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having 
property of his own, undertakes to 
become responsible for that entrusted 
to another. 

Philippe of Orleans wishing to 
appoint one of his favorites, a dis- 
solute nobleman, to a high office, 
asked him what security he would 
be able to give. " I need no bonds- 
men," he replied, "for I can give 
you my word of honor." " And 
pray what may be the value of 
that?" inquired the amused Regent. 
36 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

" Monsieur, it is worth its weight in 
gold." 

BORE, n. A person who talks when 
you wish him to listen. 

BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables 
— those that are not good to eat, 
as well as those that are. It deals 
largely with their flowers, which are 
commonly badly designed, inartistic 
in color, and ill-smelling. 

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose 
created in the image of its maker. 

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, 
an imaginary line between two 
nations, separating the imaginary 
rights of one from the imaginary 
rights of the other. 

BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who 
has all things, in permitting one who 
has nothing to get all he can. 

" A single swallow, it is said, devours 

37 



/ 



B THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ten millions of insects every year. 
The supplying of these insects I 
take to be a signal instance of the 
Creator's bounty in providing for 
the lives of His creatures." 

Henry Ward Beecher. 

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hin- 
doos, who are preserved by Vishnu 
and destroyed by Siva — a rather 
neater division of labor than is found 
among the deities of some other 
nations. The Abracadabranese, for 
example, are created by Sin, main- 
tained by Theft and destroyed by 
Folly. The priests of Brahma, like 
those of the Abracadabranese, are 
holy and learned men who are never 
naughty. 

O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, 
First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, 
You sit there so calm and securely, 
With feet folded up so demurely — 
You 're the First Person Singular, surely. 

Poly dor e Smith. 
38 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK B 

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which 
we think that we think. That 
which distinguishes the man who 
is content to be something from the 
man who wishes to do something. 
A man of great wealth, or one who 
has been pitchforked into high sta- 
tion, has commonly such a headful 
of brain that his neighbors cannot 
keep their hats on. In our civi- 
lization, and under our republican 
form of government, brain is so 
highly honored that it is rewarded 
by exemption from the cares of 
office. 

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of 
one part thunder-and-lightning, one 
part remorse, two parts bloody mur- 
der, one part death -hell-and-the- 
grave and four parts clarified Satan. 
Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy 
is said, by Carlyle, I think, to be the 
drink of heroes. Only a hero will 
venture to drink it. 
39 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine pros- 
pect of happiness behind her. 

BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. 



Caaba, «. A large stone presented 
by the archangel Gabriel to the 
patriarch Abraham, and preserved at 
Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps 
asked the archangel for bread. 

CABBAGE^ n. A familiar kitchen-gar- 
den vegetable about as large and wise 
as a man's head. 

The cabbage is so called from 
Cabagius, a prince who on ascending 
the throne issued a decree appointing 
a High Council of Empire, consist- 
ing of the members of his predeces- 
sor's Ministry and the cabbages in 
the royal garden. When any of His 
Majesty's measures of state policy 

miscarried conspicuously it was 

40 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

gravely announced that several mem- 
bers of the High Council had been 
beheaded, and his murmuring sub- 
jects were appeased. 

CACKLE, V. i. To celebrate the birth 
of an egg. 

They say that hens do cackle loudest when 

There 's nothing vital in the egg they 've laid ; 
And there are hens, professing to have made 

A study of mankind, who say that men 

Whose business is to drive the tongue or pen 
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade 
O'er their most worthless work ; and I 'm afraid 

In this respect they 're really like the hen. 

Lo ! the drum-major in his coat of gold, 

His blazing breeches and high-towering cap, 

Imperiously pompous, " bloody, bold 

And resolute" — an awe-inspiring chap! 

Who 'd think this gorgeous hero's only virtue 

Is that in battle he will never hurt you ? 

G.J. 

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly 
plain and unmistakable reminder that 
the affairs of this life are not of our 
own ordering. Calamities are of two 
kinds : misfortune to ourselves, and 
good fortune to others. 
41 



y 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great for- 
titude to bear the evils afflicting 
another. 

When Zeno was told that one 
of his enemies was no more he 
was observed to be deeply moved. 
" What ! " said one of his disciples, 
*' you weep at the death of an 
enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied 
the great Stoic ; ** but you should see 
me smile at the death of a friend." 

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the 
School for Scandal. 

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splay pes 
hu7npidorsus^ of great value to the 
show business. There are two kinds 
of camels — the camel proper and 
the camel improper. It is the latter 
that is always exhibited. 

CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the 
old school who preserves the simple 
tastes and adheres to the natural diet 
of the pre-pork period. 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

The practice of cannibalism was 
once universal, as the smallest knowl- 
edge of philology will serve to show. 
" Oblige us," says the erudite author 
of the Delectatio Demonorum, " by 
considering the derivation of the 
word ' sarcophagus,' and see if it be 
not suggestive of potted meats. Ob- 
serve the significance of the phrase 

* sweet sixteen.' What a world of 
meaning lurks in the expression * she's 
as sweet as a peach,' and how sug- 
gestive of luncheon are the words 

* tender youth ! ' A kiss is but a 
modified bite, and a fond mother, 
when she rapturously avers that her 
babe is * almost good enough to eat,' 
merely shows that she is herself only 
a trifle too good to eat it." 

CANNON, n. An instrument employed 
in the rectification of national boun- 
daries. 

CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by 
Jesters at the Court of Heaven, 

43 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovern- 
ment. That which provides the fire, 
the pot, the dinner, the table and the 
knife and fork for the anarchist. 
The part of the repast that himself 
supplies is the disgrace before meat. 
Capital punishment^ a penalty regard- 
ing the justice and expediency of 
which many worthy persons — in- 
cluding all the assassins — entertain 
grave misgivings. 

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of 
the order of Mt. Carmel. 

As Death was a-riding out one day, 
Across Mount Carmel he took his way, 

Where he met a mendicant monk, 

Some three or four quarters drunk, 
With a holy leer and a pious grin. 
Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin. 

Who held out his hands and cried : 
" Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. 
Give in the name of the Church. O give, 
Give that her holy sons may live ! " 

And Death replied. 

Smiling long and wide: 

*' I '11 give, holy father, I'll give thee — 
a ride." 
4+ 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

With a rattle and bang 

Of his bones, he sprang 
From his famous Pale Horse, with his spearj 

By the neck and the foot 

Seized the fellow, and put 
Him astride with his face to the rear. 

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell 
Like clods on the coffin's empty shell : 
" Ho, ho ! A beggar on horseback, they say, 
Will ride to the devil ! " — and thump 
Fell the flat of his dart on the rump 
Of the charger, which galloped away. 

Faster and faster and faster it flew. 

Till the rocks, and the flocks, and the trees that 

grew 
By the road, were dim, and blended, and blue 

To the wild, wide eyes 

Of the rider — in size 

Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.- 
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh 

At a burial service spoiled. 

And the mourners' intentions foiled 

By the body erecting 

Its head and objecting 
To further proceedings in its behalf. 

Many a year and many a day 
Have passed since these events away. 
The monk has long been a dusty corse, 
And Death has never recovered his horse. 
45 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

For the friar got hold of its tail, 

And steered it within the pale 
Of the monastery gray, 

Where the beast was stabled and fed, 

With barley, and oil, and bread. 
Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar. 
And so in due course was appointed Prior. 

G.J. 

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the 
cruelty of devouring the timorous 
vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. 

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Des- 
cartes, a famous philosopher, author 
of the celebrated dictum, Cogito, ergo 
su?n — whereby he was pleased to 
suppose he demonstrated the reality 
of human existence. The dictum 
might be improved, however, thus : 
Cogito cogito, ergo cogito siwi — ** I think 
that I think, therefore I think that I 
am ;" as close an approach to certainty 
as any philosopher has yet made. 

CAT, n. A soft, indestructible autom- 
aton provided by nature to be kicked 
46 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

when things go wrong in the domes- 
tic circle. 

This is a dog, 

This is a cat, 
This is a frog, 

This is a rat. 
Run, dog, mew, cat. 
Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. 

Elevenson. 

CAVILER, n. A critic of one's own 
work. 

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban 
spot where mourners match lies, 
poets write at a target and stone- 
cutters spell for a wager. The in- 
scriptions following will serve to 
illustrate the success attained in 
these Olympian games : 

" His virtues were so conspicuous that 
his enemies, unable to overlook them, 
denied them, and his friends, to whose 
loose lives they were a rebuke, repre- 
sented them as vices. They are here 
commemorated by his family, who 
shared them." 

47 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

" In the earth we here prepare a 
Place to lay our little Clara. 
— Tho?nas M. and Mary Frazer. 
P. S. — Gabriel will raise her." 

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons 
who lived before the division of labor 
had been carried to such a pitch of 
differentiation, and who followed the 
primitive economic maxim, " Every 
man his own horse." The best of 
the lot was Chiron, who to the 
wisdom and virtues of the horse 
added the fleetness of man. The 
scripture story of the head of John 
the Baptist on a charger shows that 
pagan myths have somewhat sophis- 
ticated sacred history. 

CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of 
Hades, whose duty it was to guard 
the entrance — against whom or 
what does not clearly appear. Every- 
body, sooner or later, had to go 
there, and nobody wanted to carry 

off the entrance. Cerberus is known 
48 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

to have had three heads, and some 
of the poets have credited him with 
as many as a hundred. Professor 
Graybill, whose clerkly erudition and 
profound knowledge of Greek give 
his opinion great weight, has averaged 
all the estimates, and makes the num- 
ber twenty -seven — a judgment that 
would be entirely conclusive if Pro- 
fessor Graybill had known (a) some- 
thing about dogs, and (^) something 
about arithmetic. 

CHILDHOOD, n. The period of hu- 
man life intermediate between the 
idiocy of infancy and the folly of 
youth — two removes from the sin 
of manhood and three from the 
remorse of age. 

CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that 
the New Testament is a divinely in- 
spired book admirably suited to the 
spiritual needs of his neighbor. One 
who follows the teachings of Christ 

4 49 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

in so far as they are not inconsistent 
with a life of sin. 

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo ! 
The godly multitudes walked to and fro 
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, 
With pious mien, appropriately sad, 
While all the church bells made a solemn din — 
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. 
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, 
With tranquil face, upon that holy show 
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white. 
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. 
"God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are 
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar ; 
And yet I entertain the hope that you. 
Like these good people, are a Christian too." 
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern 
It made me with a thousand blushes burn 
Replied — his manner with disdain was spiced : 
" What ! I a Christian ? No, indeed ! I 'm Christ." 

G.J. 

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, 
ponies, and elephants are permitted 
to see men, women, and children 
acting the fool. 

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, com- 
monly a woman, who has the power 

5° 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

of seeing that which is invisible to 
her patron — namely, that he is a 
blockhead. 

CLARIONET, n. An instrument of tor- 
ture operated by a person with cotton 
in his ears. There are two instru- 
ments that are worse than a clarionet 
— two clarionets. 

CLERGYMAN, n. A man who under- 
takes the management of our spiritual 
affairs as a method of bettering his 
temporal ones. 

CLIO, ;/. One of the nine Muses. 
Clio's function was to preside over 
history — which she did with great 
dignity, many of the prominent citi- 
zens of Athens occupying seats on the 
platform, the meetings being addressed 
by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and 
other popular speakers. 

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral 
value to man, allaying his concern 
51 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

for the future by reminding him 
what a lot of time remains to him. 

A busy man complained one day : 

" I get no time ! " "What 's that you say ? " 

Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz ; 

*' You have, sir, all the time there is. 

There 's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it — 

We 're never for an hour u^ithout it." 

Purzil Crofe. 

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous 
of keeping that which many deserv- 
ing persons wish to obtain. 

" Close-fisted Scotchman ! " Johnson cried 

To thrifty J. Macpherson ; 
" See me — I 'm ready to divide 

With any worthy person." 

Said Jamie : " That is very true — 
The boast requires no backing; 

And all are worthy, sir, to you. 
Who have what you are lacking." 

Anita M. Bobe. 

CCENOBITE, or CENOBITE, n. A man 
who piously shuts himself up to 
meditate upon the sin of wicked- 
ness; and to keep it fresh in his 
52 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

mind joins a brotherhood of awful 
examples. 

O coenobite, O coenobite, 

Monastical gregarian, 
You differ from the anchorite, 

That solitudinarian : 
With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; 
With dropping shots he makes him sick. 

putney Giles. 

COMFORT, M. A state of mind pro- 
duced by the contemplation of our 
neighbor's uneasiness. 

COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that 
we pay to achievements that resemble, 
but do not equal, our own. 

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction 
in which A plunders from B the 
goods of C, and for compensation 
B picks the pocket of D of money 
belonging to E. 

COMMONWEALTH, n. An administra- 
tive entity operated by an incalculable 
multitude of political parasites, logi- 
cally active, but fortuitously efficient. 
53 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, 
So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew 
Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches 
Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays 
That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins 
Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their 

chins. 
On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, 
Misfortune attend and disaster befall ! 
May life be to them a succession of hurts ; 
May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; 
May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, 
Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones ; 
May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, 
And tapeworms securely their bowels digest ; 
May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, 
And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. 
Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse 
Of menacing dressers, sepulchrally hoarse, 
By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors — 
The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! 
Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin ! 
Their criminal ranks may the death angel thin. 
Avenging the friend whom I could n't work in. 

K.Q, 

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment 
of conflicting interests as gives each 
adversary the satisfaction of thinking 
he has got what he ought not to have, 

54 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

and is deprived of nothing except 
what was justly his due. 

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of 
power. 

CONDOLE, V. i. To show that bereave- 
ment is a smaller evil than sympathy. 

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, «. One 

entrusted by A with the secrets of B 
confided to himself by C. 

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of 
envy. 

CONGRESS, n. A body of men who 
meet to repeal laws. 

CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who 
knows everything about something 
and nothing about anything else. 

An old wine-bibber having been 
smashed in a railway collision, some 
wine was poured upon his lips to 
revive him. " Pauillac, 1873," ^^ 
murmured and died. 
55 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

CONSERVATIVE, n, A Statesman who 
is enamored of existing evils, as 
distinguished from the Liberal, who 
wishes to replace them with others. 

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge 
that a better man is more unfortu- 
nate than yourself. 

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a 
person who having failed to secure 
an office from the people is given 
one by the Administration on con- 
dition that he leave the country. 

CONSULT, V. t. To seek another's ap- 
proval to a course already decided on. 

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a pru- 
dent man for an enemy who is too 
formidable safely to be opposed. 

CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which 
spittle or ink replaces the injurious 
cannon-ball and the inconsiderate 
bayonet. 

56 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

In controversy with the facile tongue — 
That bloodless warfare of the old and young — 
So seek your adversary to engage 
That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, 
And, like a snake that 's fastened to the ground, 
With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. 
You ask me how this miracle is done ? 
Adopt his own opinions, one by one. 
And taunt him to refute them ; in his wrath 
He '11 sweep them pitilessly from his path. 
Advance then gently all you wish to prove. 
Each proposition prefaced with, " As you 've 
So well remarked," or, " As you wisely say, 
And I cannot dispute," or, " By the way. 
This view of it which, better far expressed. 
Runs through your argument." Then leave 

the rest 
To him, secure that he Ml perform his trust 
And prove your views intelligent and just. 

Conmore Apel Brune. 

CONVENT, n. A place of retirement 
for women who wish for leisure to 
meditate upon the sin of idleness. 

CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the 
display of the minor mental com- 
modities, each exhibitor being too 
intent upon the arrangement of his 
57 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

own wares to observe those of his 
neighbor. 

CORONATION, n. The ceremony of 
investing a sovereign with the out- 
ward and visible signs of his divine 
right to be blown skyhigh with a 
dynamite bomb. 

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies 
the lowest rung of the military 
ladder. 

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, 

Our corporal heroically fell ! 

Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl 

And said : " He had n't very far to fall." 

Giacomo Smith. 

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious de- 
vice for securing individual profit 
without individual responsibility. 

CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. 

COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff, 
58 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous 
emergency thinks with his legs. 

CRAFT, n. A fool's substitute for 
brains. 

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very- 
much resembling the lobster, but less 
indigestible. 

In this small fish I take it that 
human wisdom is admirably figured 
and symbolized ; for whereas the 
crayfish doth move only backward, 
and can have only retrospection, see- 
ing naught but the perils already 
passed, so the wisdom of man doth 
not enable him to avoid the follies 
that beset his course, but only to 
apprehend their nature afterward. — 
Sir 'James Merivale. 

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of sav- 
ages dwelling beyond the Financial 
Straits and dreaded for their deso- 
lating incursions. 
59 



C TPIE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin 
made in Connecticut. 

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts him- 
self hard to please because nobody- 
has ever tried to please him. 

There is a land of pure delight, 

Beyond the Jordan's flood, 
Where saints, apparelled all in white. 

Fling back the critic's mud. 

And as he legs it through the skies, 

His pelt a sable hue, 
He sorrows sore to recognize 

The missiles that he threw. 

G. J. 

CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol 
erroneously supposed to owe its sig- 
nificance to the most solemn event 
in the history of Christianity, but 
really antedating it by thousands of 
years. By many it has been believed 
to be identical with the crux ansata 
of the ancient phallic worship, but 

it has been traced even beyond all 
60 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

that we know of that, to the rites 
of primitive peoples. We have to- 
day the White Cross as a symbol 
of chastity, and the Red Cross as 
a badge of benevolent neutrality 
in war. Having in mind the for- 
mer, the reverend Father Gassalasca 
Jape smites the lyre to the effect 
following : 

" Be good, be good ! " the sisterhood 

Cry out in holy chorus ; 
And, to dissuade from sin, parade 

Their various charms before us. 

But why, O why, has ne'er an eye 

Seen her of winsome manner 
And youthful grace and pretty face 

Flaunting the White Cross banner ? 

Now where 's the need of speech and screed 

To better our behaving? 
A simpler plan for saving man 

(But, first, is he worth saving ?) 

Is, dears, when he declines to flee 
From bad thoughts that beset him. 

Ignores the Law as 't were a straw. 
And wants to sin — don't let him. 
6i 



C THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would 
that do 7ne'^ 

CUNNING, n. The faculty that distin- 
guishes a weak animal or person from 
a strong one. It brings its possessor 
much mental satisfaction and great 
material adversity. An Italian prov- 
erb says: "The furrier gets the skins 
of more foxes than asses." 

CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. 
This bastard creation of a barbarous 
fancy was no doubt inflicted upon 
mythology for the sins of its deities. 
Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate 
conceptions this is the most reason- 
less and offensive. The notion of 
symbolizing sexual love by a semi- 
sexless babe, and comparing the pains 
of passion to the wounds of an arrow 
— of introducing this pudgy homun- 
culus into art grossly to materialize 
the subtle spirit and suggestion of the 

work — this is eminently worthy of 
62 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK C 

the age that, giving it birth, laid it 
on the doorstep of posterity. 

CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable qual- 
ity of the female mind. The desire 
to know whether or not a woman is 
cursed with curiosity is one of the 
most active and insatiable passions of 
the masculine soul. 

CURSE, v. t. Energetically to belabor 
with a verbal slap-stick. This is an 
operation which in literature, par- 
ticularly in the drama, is commonly 
fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, 
the liability to a cursing is a risk that 
cuts but a small figure in fixing the 
rates of life insurance. 

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty 
vision sees things as they are, not as 
they ought to be. Hence the cus- 
tom among the Scythians of pluck- 
ing out a cynic's eyes to improve his 
vision. 

63 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 



JLJamn, int. A word formerly much 
used by the Paphlagonians, the 
meaning of which is lost. By the 
learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is be- 
lieved to have been a term of satis- 
faction, implying the highest possible 
degree of mental tranquillity. Pro- 
fessor Groke, on the other hand, 
thinks it expressed an emotion of 
tumultuous delight, because it so fre- 
quently occurs in combination with 
the word jod or gody meaning "joy." 
It would be with great diffidence 
that I should advance an opinion 
conflicting with that of either of 
these formidable authorities. 

DANCE, V. i To leap about to the 

sound of tittering music, preferably 

with arms about your neighbor's 

wife or daughter. There are many 

kinds of dances, but all those requir- 
64 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

ing the participation of the two 
sexes have two characteristics in 
common : they are conspicuously in- 
nocent, and warmly loved by the 
guilty. 

DANGER, n. 

A savage beast which, when it sleeps, 

Man girds at and despises, 
But takes himself away by leaps 

And bounds when it arises. 

Ambat Delaso. 

DARING, n. One of the most conspic- 
uous qualities of a man in security. 

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastical offi- 
cial of the Roman Catholic Church, 
whose important function is to brand 
the Pope's bulls with the words 
Datum Roma. He enjoys a princely 
revenue and the friendship of God. 

DAWN, n. The time when men of 

reason go to bed. Certain old men 

prefer to rise at about that time, 

taking a cold bath and a long walk, 

s 65 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

with an empty stomach, and other- 
wise mortifying the flesh. They 
then point with pride to these prac- 
tices as the cause of their sturdy 
health and ripe years ; the truth being 
that they are hearty and old, not 
because of their habits, but in spite of 
them. The reason we find only robust 
persons doing this thing is that it has 
killed all the others who have tried it. 

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four 
hours, mostly misspent. This period 
is divided into two parts, the day 
proper and the night, or day im- 
proper — the former devoted to sins 
of business, the latter consecrated to 
the other sort. These two kinds of 
social activity overlap. 

DEAD, adj. 

Done with the work of breathing; done 
With all the world ; the mad race run 
Through to the end ; the golden goal 
Attained and found to be a hole ! 

Squatol yohnes. 
66 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so 
earnestly pursued pleasure that he 
has had the misfortune to overtake 
it. 

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for 
the chain and whip of the slave- 
driver. 

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet 
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, 
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, 
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him ; 
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him. 
Yet feels the limits pitiless that bound him ; 
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it. 
And finds at last he might as well have paid it. 

Barlow S. Vode. 

DECALOGUE, n. A series of com- 
mandments, ten in number — just 
enough to permit an intelligent 
selection for observance, but not 
enough to embarrass the choice. 
Following is the revised edition of 
the Decalogue, calculated for this 
meridian. 

67 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Thou shalt no God but me adore: 
'T were too expensive to have more. 

No images nor idols make 
For Robert Ingersoll to break. 

Take not God's name in vain ; select 
A time when it will have effect. 

Work not on Sabbath days at all, 
But go to see the teams play ball. 

Honor thy parents. That creates 
For life insurance lower rates. 

Kill not, abet not those who kill ; 
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. 

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless 
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress. 

Don't steal ; thou 'It never thus compete 
Successfully in business. Cheat. 

Bear not false witness — that is low — 
But " hear 't is rumored so and so." 

Covet thou naught that thou hast not 
By hook or crook, or somehow, got. 

G.y. 

68 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

DECIDE, V. i. To succumb to the pre- 
ponderance of one set of influences 
over another set. 

A leaf was riven from a tree, 

" I mean to fall to earth," said he. 

The west wind, rising, made him veer. 
" Eastward," said he, " I mean to steer." 

The east wind rose with greater force. 

Said he : " 'T were wise to change my course." 

With equal power they contend. 

He said : " My judgment I suspend." 

Down died the winds ; the leaf, elate. 
Cried : " I 've decided to fall straight." 

" First thoughts are best " ? That 's not the moral ; 
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. 

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall. 
You 've had no hand in it at all. 

G.J. 

DEFAME, V. t. To lie about another. 
To tell the truth about another. 

DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. 

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously 

admirable than one's ancestors. The 
69 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

contemporaries of Homer were strik- 
ing examples of degeneracy; it re- 
quired ten of them to raise a rock or 
a riot that one of the heroes of the 
Trojan war could have raised with 
ease. Homer never tires of sneering 
at the " men who live in these de- 
generate days," which is perhaps why 
they suffered him to beg his bread — 
a marked instance of returning good 
for evil, by the way, for if they had 
forbidden him he would certainly 
have starved. 

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages 
of moral and social progress from 
private station to political preferment. 

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachy- 
derm that flourished when the Ptero- 
dactyl was in fashion. The latter 
was a native of Ireland, its name 
being pronounced Terry Dactyl or 
Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pro- 
nouncing it may chance to have 

heard it spoken or seen it printed. 

70 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an 
American who has been in Paris. 
Variously pronounced. 

DELEGATION, n. In American poli- 
tics, an article of merchandise that 
comes in sets. 



DELIBERATION, n. The act of exam- 
ining one's bread to c 
side it is buttered on. 



ining one's bread to determine which 



DELUGE, 7t. A notable first experiment 
in baptism which washed away the 
sins (and sinners) of the world. 

DELUSION, n. The father of a most 
respectable family, comprising En- 
thusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, 
Hope, Charity, and many other goodly 
sons and daughters. 

All hail, Delusion ! Were it not for thee 
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; 
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, 
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. 

Mumfrey Mappel. 
7J 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

DEJSfTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, 
putting metal into your mouth, pulls 
coins out of your pocket. 

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon an- 
other's generosity for the support 
which you are not in a position to 
exact from his fears. 

DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an 
officer-holder or of his bondsman. 
The deputy is commonly a beautiful 
young man, with a red necktie and 
an intricate system of cobwebs ex- 
tending from his nose to his desk. 
When accidentally struck by the 
janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud 
of dust. 

" Chief Deputy," the master cried, 
" To-day the books are to be tried 
By experts and accountants who 
Have been commissioned to go through 
Our office here, to see if we 
Have stolen injudiciously. 
Please have the proper entries made, 
The proper balances displayed, 
72 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

Conforming to the whole amount 

Of cash on hand — which they will count. 

I've long admired your punctual way — 

Here at the break and close of day, 

Confronting in your chair the crowd 

Of business men, whose voices loud 

And gestures violent you quell 

By some mysterious, calm spell — 

Some magic lurking in your look 

That brings the noisiest to book 

And spreads a holy and profound 

Tranquillity o'er all around. 

So orderly all 's done that they 

Who came to draw remain to pay. 

But now the time demands, at last. 

That you employ your genius vast 

In energies more active. Rise 

And shake the lightnings from your eyes; 

Inspire your underlings, and fling 

Your spirit into everything ! " 

The master hand here dealt a whack 

Upon the Deputy's bent back. 

When straightway to the floor there fell 

A shrunken globe, a rattling shell, 

A blackened, withered, eyeless head ! 

The man had been a twelvemonth dead. 

"Jamrach Holobom. 

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority 
for crime and a fool's excuse for 
failure. 

73 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

DIAGNOSIS, ;/. A physician's forecast of 
disease by the patient's pulse and purse. 

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition 
separating disorders of the chest from 
disorders of the bowels. 

DIARY, ;;. A daily record of that part 
of one's life, which he can relate to 
himself without blushing. 

Sam kept a diary wherein were writ 

So many noble deeds and so much wit 

That the Recording Angel, when Sam died, 

Erased all entries of his own and cried : 

" I '11 judge you by your diary." Said Sam : 

"Thank you ; 't will show you what a saint I am" — 

Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, 

That record from a pocket in his shroud. 

The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, 

Each lying line of which he knew before. 

Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit 

On noble action and amusing wit ; 

Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. 

" My friend, you 've wandered from your proper 

track; 
You 'd never be content this side the tomb — 
For deeds of greatness Heaven has little room, 
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," 
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. 

" The Mad Philosopher:' 
7A 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation 
that prefers the pestilence of despo- 
tism to the plague of anarchy. 

DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary- 
device for cramping the growth of a 
language and making it hard and in- 
elastic. This dictionary, how^ever, is 
a most useful work. 

DIE, n. The singular of " dice." We 
seldom hear the word, because there 
is a prohibitory proverb, " Never say 
die." At long intervals, however, 
some one says: " The die is cast," 
which is not true, for it is cut. The 
word is found in an immortal coup- 
let by that eminent poet and domestic 
economist. Senator Depew : 

A cube of cheese no larger than a die 
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. 

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of vict- 
uals into virtues. When the process 
is imperfect, vices are evolved instead 
— a circumstance from which that 
75 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, 
infers that the ladies are the greater 
sufferers from dyspepsia. 

DIPLOMACY, w. The patriotic art of 
lying for one's country. 

DISABUSE, V. t. To present your neigh- 
bor with another and better error 
than the one which he has deemed it 
advantageous to embrace. 

DISCRIMINATE, v. i. To note the par- 
ticulars in which one person or thing 
is, if possible, more objectionable than 
another. 

DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirm- 
ing others in their errors. 

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining 
to the cloud of servitude. 

DISOBEY, V. t. To celebrate with an 

appropriate ceremony the maturity 

of a command. 

76 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

His right to govern me is clear as day, 
My duty manifest to disobey ; 
And if that fit observance e'er I shun 
May I and duty be alike undone. 

hrafel Brown. 

DISSEMBLE, v. i. To put a clean shirt 
upon the character. 

Let us dissemble. — Adam. 

DISTANCE, n. The only thing that 
the rich are willing for the poor to 
call theirs, and keep. 

DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by 
exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 

DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out 
the occult. Divination is of as many 
kinds as there are fruit-bearing vari- 
eties of the flowering dunce and the 
early fool. 

DOG, «. A kind of additional or sub- 
sidiary Deity designed to catch the 
overflow and surplus of the world's 

n 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

worship. This Divine Being in 
some of his smaller and silkier in- 
carnations takes, in the affection of 
Woman, the place to which there is 
no human male aspirant. The Dog 
is a survival — an anachronism. He 
toils not, neither does he spin, yet 
Solomon in all his glory never lay 
upon a door-mat all day long, sun- 
soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his 
master worked for the means where- 
with to purchase an idle wag of the 
Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look 
of tolerant recognition. 

DRAGOON, n. A soldier who com- 
bines steadiness and dash in so equal 
measure that he makes his advances 
on foot and his retreats on horseback. 

DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays 
from the French. 

DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an 
ancient Celtic religion which did not 

78 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

disdain to employ the humble allure- 
ment of human sacrifice. Very little 
is now known about the Druids and 
their faith. Pliny says their religion, 
originating in Britain, spread east- 
ward as far as Persia. Cassar says 
those who desired to study its mys- 
teries went to Britain. Caesar him- 
self went to Britain, but does not 
appear to have obtained any high 
preferment in the Druidical Church, 
although his talent for human sacri- 
fice was considerable. 

Druids performed their religious 
rites in groves, and knew nothing 
of church mortgages and the season- 
ticket system of pew rents. They 
were, in short, heathens and — as they 
were once complacently catalogued 
by a distinguished prelate of the 
Church of England — " Dissenters." 

DUCK-BILL, «. Your account at your 
restaurant during the canvass-back 
season. 

79 



D THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony prelimi- 
nary to the reconciliation of two 
enemies. Great skill is necessary to 
its satisfactory observance ; if awk- 
wardly performed the most unex- 
pected and deplorable consequences 
sometimes ensue. A long time ago 
a man lost his life in a duel. 

That dueling 's a gentlemanly vice 

I hold ; and wish that it had been my lot 
To live my life out in some favored spot — 

Some country where it is considered nice 

To split a rival like a fish, or slice 

A husband like a spud, or with a shot 
Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot 

And ready to be put upon the ice. 

Some miscreants there are, whom I do long 
To shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim 

The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners. 

I seem to see them now — a mighty throng. 
It looks as if to challenge me they came. 

Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners ! 

Xamba ^ Dar. 

DULLARD, n. A member of the reign- 
ing dynasty in letters and life. The 
Dullards came in with Adam, and 

being both numerous and sturdy 
80 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK D 

have overrun the habitable vv^orld. 
The secret of their power is their 
insensibiHty to blow^s ; tickle them 
with a bludgeon and they laugh 
with a platitude. The Dullards came 
originally from Boeotia, whence they 
were driven by stress of starvation, 
their dulness having blighted the 
crops. For some centuries they in- 
fested Philistia, and many of them 
are called Philistines to this day. In 
the turbulent times of the Crusades 
they withdrew thence and gradually 
overspread all Europe, occupying 
most of the high places in politics, 
art, literature, science, and theology. 
Since a detachment of Dullards came 
over with the Pilgrims in the May- 
jlower and made a favorable report 
of the country, their increase by 
birth, immigration, and conversion 
has been rapid and steady. Accord- 
ing to the most trustworthy statistics 
the number of adult Dullards in the 
United States is but little short of 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

thirty millions, including the statisti- 
cians. The intellectual centre of the 
race is somewhere about Peoria, Illi- 
nois, but the New England Dullard 
is the most impenitently moral. 

DUTY, n. That which sternly impels 
us in the direction of profit, along 
the line of desire. 

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, 
Was vi^ roth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. 
His anger provoked him to take the king's head, 
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, 
Instead. 

G.J. 

E 

Eat, v. i. To perform successively 
(and successfully) the functions of 
mastication, humectation, and deglu- 
tition — in short, to eat. 

" I was in the drawing-room, 
enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- 
Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 
"What!" interrupted Rochebriant ; 

" eating dinner in a drawing-room .? " 
82 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

" I must beg you to observe, Mon- 
sieur," explained the great gastro- 
nome, ** that I did not say I was 
eating my dinner, but enjoying it. 
I had dined an hour before." 

EAVESDROP, V. i. Secretly to overhear 
a catalogue of the crimes and vices 
of another or yourself. 

A lady with one of her ears applied 
To an open keyhole heard, inside, 
Two female gossips in converse free — 
The subject engaging them was she. 
" I think," said one, " and my husband thinks 
That she 's a prying, inquisitive minx ! " 
As soon as no more of it she could hear 
The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 
" I will not stay," she said, with a pout, 
" To hear my character lied about ! " 

Gopete Sherany. 

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of dis- 
tinction so cheap that fools employ 
it to accentuate their incapacity. 

ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel 
of w^hiskey that you do not need for 

83 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

the price of the cow that you cannot 
afford. 

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and whole- 
some to digest, as a worm to a toad, a 
toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a 
pig to a man, and a man to a worm. 

EDITOR, n. A person who combines 
the judicial functions of Minos, 
Rhadamanthus and ^acus, but is 
placable with an obolus ; a severely 
virtuous censor, but so charitable 
withal that he tolerates the virtues 
of others and the vices of himself; 
who flings about him the splintering 
lightning and sturdy thunders of 
admonition till he resembles a bunch 
of firecrackers petulantly uttering its 
mind at the tail of a dog ; then 
straightway murmurs a mild, melo- 
dious lay, soft as the cooing of a 
donkey intoning its prayer to the 
evening star. Master of mysteries 

and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon 

84 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

the throne of thought, his face suf- 
fused with the dim splendors of the 
Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted 
and his tongue a-cheek, the editor 
spills his will along the paper and 
cuts it off in lengths to suit. And 
at intervals from behind the veil of 
the temple is heard the voice of the 
foreman demanding three inches of 
wit and six lines of religious medita- 
tion, or bidding him turn off the 
wisdom and whack up some pathos. 

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, 

A gilded impostor is he. 
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, 
His crown is brass, 
Himself is an ass, 
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. 
Prankily, crankily prating of naught. 
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. 
Public opinion's camp-follower he. 
Thundering, blundering, plundering free. 
Affected, 

Ungracious, 
Detected, 

Mendacious, 
Respected contemporaree ! 

y. H. Bumbleshook. 
8s 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses 
to the wise and disguises from the 
foolish their lack of understanding. 

EFFECT, n. The second of two phe- 
nomena which always occur together 
in the same order. The first, called a 
Cause, is said to generate the other — 
which is no more sensible than it 
would be for one who has never seen 
a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit 
to declare the rabbit the cause of the 
dog. 

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, 
more interested in himself than in me. 

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State 
In the halls of legislative debate, 
One day with all his credentials came 
To the capitol's door and announced his name. 
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist 
Of the face, at the eminent egotist, 
And said : " Go away, for we settle here 
All manner of questions, knotty and queer. 
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands 
To be told how every member stands, 
A man who to all things under the sky 
Assents by eternally voting ' I '." 
86 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for 
the disease of garrulity. It is also 
much used in cases of extreme 
poverty. 

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the 
sacred privilege of voting for the 
man of another man's choice. 

ELECTRICITY, n. The power that 
causes all natural phenomena not 
known to be caused by something 
else. It is the same thing as light- 
ning, and its famous attempt to 
strike Dr. Franklin is one of the 
most picturesque incidents in that 
great and good man's career. The 
memory of Dr. Franklin is justly 
held in great reverence, particularly 
in France, where a waxen effigy of 
him was recently on exhibition, 
bearing the following touching ac- 
count of his life and services to 
science : 

" Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of elec- 
tricity. This illustrious savant, after 

87 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

having made several voyages around the 
world, died on the Sandwich Islands and 
was devoured by savages, of whom not a 
single fragment was ever recovered." 

Electricity seems destined to play 
a most important part in the arts 
and industries. The question of its 
economical application to some pur- 
poses is still unsettled, but experi- 
ment has already proved that it will 
propel a street car better than a 
gas jet and give more light than a 
horse. 

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in 
which, without employing any of 
the methods of humor, the writer 
aims to produce in the reader's mind 
the dampest kind of dejection. The 
most famous English example begins 
somewhat like this : 

The cur foretells the knell of parting day; 

The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea ; 
The wise man homeward plods ; I only stay 

To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. 
88 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally per- 
suading fools that white is the color 
that it appears to be. It includes 
the gift of making any color appear 
white. 

ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful 
country which the ancients foolishly 
believed to be inhabited by the spirits 
of the good. This ridiculous and 
mischievous fable was swept off the 
face of the earth by the early Chris- 
tians — may their souls be happy in 
Heaven ! 

EMANCIPATION, n. A bondsman's 
change from the tyranny of another 
to the despotism of himself. 

He was a slave : at word he went and came; 

His iron collar cut him to the bone. 
Then Liberty erased his owner's name, 

Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. 

G.J. 

EMBALM, V. t. To cheat vegetation by 

locking up the gases upon which it 

feeds. By embalming their dead and 
89 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

thereby deranging the natural balance 
between animal and vegetable life, 
the Egyptians made their once fertile 
and populous country barren and in- 
capable of supporting more than a 
meagre crew. The modern metallic 
burial casket is a step in the same 
direction, and many a dead man who 
ought now to be ornamenting his 
neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enrich- 
ing his table as a bunch of radishes, 
is doomed to a long inutility. We 
shall get him after awhile if we are 
spared, but in the meantime the vio- 
let and rose are languishing for a 
nibble at his glutceus maximus. 

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease 
caused by a determination of the 
heart to the head. It is sometimes 
accompanied by a copious discharge 
of hydrated chloride of sodium from 
the eyes. 

ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not 

particular) kind of liar. 
90 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

END, n. The position furthest removed 
on either hand from the Inter- 
• locutor. 

The man was perishing apace 
Who played the tambourine : 

The seal of death was on his face — 
'T was pallid, for 't was clean. 

" This is the end," the sick man said 

In faint and failing tones. 
A moment later he was dead, 

And Tambourine was Bones. 

Tinley Roquot. 

ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world 
if you like it. 

Enough is as good as a feast — for that matter 
Enougher 's as good as a feast and the platter. 

Arhely C. Strunk. 

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of 
amusement whose inroads stop short 
of death by dejection. 

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of 
youth, curable by small doses of re- 
pentance in connection with outward 
91 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

applications of experience. Byron, 
who recovered long enough to call it 
" entuzy-muzy," had a relapse which 
carried him off — to Missolonghi. 

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a docu- 
ment ; the scabbard of a bill ; the 
husk of a remittance ; the bed-gown 
of a love-letter. 

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the 
meanest capacity. 

EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, 
serving to distinguish a military 
officer from the enemy — that is to 
say, from the officer of lower rank 
to whom his death would give pro- 
motion. 

EPICURE, «. An opponent of Epicurus, 
an abstemious philosopher who, hold- 
ing that pleasure should be the chief 
aim of man, wasted no time in grati- 
fication of the senses. 
92 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in 
prose or verse, frequently character- 
ized by acidity or acerbity and some- 
times by wisdom. Following are 
some of the more notable epigrams 
of the learned and ingenious Dr. 
Jamrach Holobom : 

We know better the needs of ourselves 
than of others. To serve oneself is econ- 
omy of administration. 

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, 
an ass, and a nightingale. Diversity of 
character is due to their unequal activity. 

There are three sexes : males, females, 
and girls. 

Beauty in women and distinction in men 
are alike in this : they seem to the un- 
thinking a kind of credibility. 

Women in love are less ashamed than 
men. They have less to be ashamed of. 

While your friend holds you affection- 
ately by both your hands you are safe, for 
you can watch both his. 
93 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Woman would be more charming if one 
could fall into her arms without falling 
into her hands. 

Think not to atone for wealth by apol- 
ogy: you must make restitution by a loan 
to the accuser. 

Study good women and ignore the rest, 

For he best knows the sex who knows the best. 

Before undergoing a surgical operation 
arrange your temporal affairs. You may 
live. 

Intolerance is natural and logical, for in 
every dissenting opinion lies an assump- 
tion of superior wisdom. 

"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at 
the Gate. 

" I am known as Memory." 

" What presumption ! — go back to 
Hell. And who, perspiring friend, art 
thou ? " 

" My name is Satan. I am looking 
for — " 

" Take your penal apparatus and be 
off." 

94 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

And Satan, laying hold of Memory, 
said : " Come along, you scoundrel ; you 
make happiness wherever you are not." 

Self-denial is the weak indulgence of a 
propensity to forego. 

Men talk of selecting a wife ; horses of 
selecting an owner. 

You are not permitted to kill a woman 
that has injured you, but nothing for- 
bids you to reflect that she is growing 
older every minute. You are avenged 
1440 times a day. 

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine. A 
wife is a wine bottle. 

He gets on best with women who best 
knows how to get on without them. 

"Who am I ?" asked an awakened soul. 

" That is the only knowledge that is 
denied to you here," answered a smil- 
ing angel. " This is Heaven." 

Woman's courage is ignorance of 
danger ; man's is hope of escape. 
95 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Women of genius commonly have mas- 
culine faces, figures, and manners. In 
transplanting brains to an alien soil God 
leaves a little of the original earth clinging 
to the roots. 

The heels of Detection are sore from 
the toes of Remorse. 

Twice we see Paradise. In youth we 
name it Life ; in age. Youth. 

There are but ten Commandments, true, 
But that 's no hardship, friend, to you ; 
The unmentioned sins that tax your wit 
You 're not commanded to commit. 

Fear of the darkness is more than an 
inherited superstition — it is at night, 
mostly, that the king thinks. 

A chain is only as strong as its weakest 
link, but a multitude is as wise as its 
wisest member if it obeys him. 

" Who art thou ? " said Mercy. 
" Revenge, the father of Justice." 
" Thou wearest thy son's clothing." 
" One must be clad." 
" Farewell — I go to attend thy son." 
" Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle." 
96 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

When God had finished this terrestrial frame 
And all things else, with or without a name, 
The nothing that remained within his hand 
Said : " Make me into something fine and grand, 
Thine angels to amuse and entertain." 
God heard and made it into human brain. 

If you wish to slay your enemy make 
haste, O make haste, for already Nature's 
knife is at his throat and yours. 

To most persons a sense of obligation 
is insupportable ; beware upon whom you 
inflict it. 

Bear me, good oceans, to some isle 

Where I may never fear 
The snake alurk in woman's smile, 

The tiger in her tear. 
Yet bear not with me one, O deeps, 
Who never smiles and never weeps. 

The ninety-and-nine who most loudly 
demand opportunity most bitterly revile 
the one who has made good use of it. 

Life and Death threw dice for a child. 

"I win ! " cried Life. 

" True," said Death, " but you need a 
nimbler tongue to proclaim your luck. 
The child is already dead of age." 
7 97 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

How blind is he who, powerless to discern 
The glories that about his pathway burn. 
Walks unaware the avenues of Dream, 
Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam ! 
O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned 
Thy light lies ever upon sea and land. 
From sordid scenes he lifts his soul at will, 
And sees a Grecian god on every hill ! 

In childhood we expect, in youth de- 
mandjin manhood hope,and in age beseech. 

EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, 
showing that virtues acquired by 
death have a retroactive effect. Fol- 
lowing is a touching example : 

Here lie the bones of Parson Piatt, 
Wise, pious, humble, and all that. 
Who showed us life as all should live it; 
Let that be said — and God forgive it ! 

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a 
book into an empty skull. 

So wide his erudition's mighty span. 
He knew by heart the laws of God and man, 
And only came by accident to grief — 
He thought, poor man, 't was right to be a thief. 

Romach Pute. 
98 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

ESOPHAGUS, n. That part of the ali- 
mentary canal that lies between 
pleasure and business. 

ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly ab- 
struse and consummately occult. 
The ancient philosophies were of 
two kinds, — exoteric^ those that the 
philosophers themselves could partly 
understand, and esoteric, those that 
nobody could understand. It is the 
latter that have most profoundly 
affected modern thought and found 
greatest acceptance in our time. 

ESSENTIAL, adj. Pertaining to the 
essence, or that which determines 
the distinctive character of a thing. 
Persons who, because they do not 
know the English language, are 
driven to the unprofitable vocation 
of writing for American newspapers, 
commonly use this word in the sense 
of necessary, as, " April rains are essen- 
tial to June harvests." 

99 L. OF C. 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that 
treats of the various tribes of Man, as 
robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, 
lunatics, idiots, and ethnologists. 

EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the 
religious sect of Theophagi. 

A dispute once unhappily arose 
among the members of this sect as 
to what it was that they ate. In 
this controversy some five hundred 
thousand have already been slain, and 
the question is still unsettled. 

EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has 
either the advantages of wealth and 
power, or the consideration to be dead. 

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good 
tidings, particularly (in a religious 
sense) such as assure us of our own 
salvation, and the damnation of our 
neighbors. 

EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. 
It is with no small diffidence that I 

loo 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

venture to offer this brief and ele- 
mentary definition, for I am not un- 
aware of the existence of a bulky 
volume by the Rt. Rev. Dr. Sprowle, 
sometime Bishop of Worcester, en- 
titled, A Partial Definition of the Word 
" Ever lasting y' as Used in the Author- 
ized Version of the Holy Scriptures. 
His book, was once esteemed of 
great authority in the Anglican 
Church, and is still, I understand, 
studied with pleasure to the mind 
and profit to the soul. 

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes 
the liberty to differ from other things 
of its class, as an honest man, a truth- 
ful woman, etc. **The exception 
proves the rule " is an expression 
constantly upon the lips of the igno- 
rant, who parrot it from one another 
with never a thought of its absurdity. 
In the Latin, ^^Exceptio probat regu- 
lam" means that the exception tests the 
rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms 

lOI 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

meaning from this excellent dictum 
and substituted a contrary one of his 
own, exerted an evil power which 
appears to be immortal. 

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence 
that enforces by appropriate penalties 
the law of moderation. 

Hail high Excess! — especially in wine. 
To thee in worship do I bend the knee 
Who preach abstemiousness unto me — 

My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. 

Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, 
Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree 
With reason as thy touch, exact and free. 

Upon my forehead and along my spine. 

At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, 
With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; 
When on thy stool of penitence I sit 

I 'm quite converted, for I can't get up. 

Ungrateful he who afterward would falter 

To make new sacrifices at thine altar! 

EXCOMMUNICATION, n. 

This "excommunication" is a word 

In speech ecclesiastical oft heard. 

And means the damning, with bell, book, and candle, 

Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal — 

I02 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

A rite permitting Satan to enslave him 
Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. 

Gat Huckle. 

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Gov- 
ernment whose duty it is to enforce 
the wishes of the legislative power 
until such time as the judicial depart- 
ment shall be pleased to pronounce 
them mischievous and of no effect. 
Following is an extract from an old 
book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished 
— Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803 : 

"Lunarian: Then when your Con- 
gress has passed a law it goes directly to 
the Supreme Court in order that it may at 
once be known whether it is constitutional. 

" Terrestrian : O no ; it does not re- 
quire the approval of the Supreme Court 
until having perhaps been enforced for 
many years somebody objects to its op- 
eration against himself — I mean his 
client. The President, if he approves 
it, begins to execute it at once. 

"Lunarian: Then the executive 
power is a part of the legislative. Do 
your policemen also have to approve the 
local ordinances that they enforce ? 
103 



E THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

" Terrestrian : Not yet — at least 
not in their capacity of constables. Gen- 
erally speaking though, all laws require 
the approval of those whom they are 
intended to restrain. 

" Lunarian : Ah, I see. The death, 
warrant is not valid until signed by the 
murderer. 

" Terrestrian : My friend, you put it 
too strongly; we are not so consistent. 

" Lunarian : But this system of main- 
taining an expensive judicial machinery to 
pass upon the validity of laws only after 
they have long been executed, and then 
only when brought before the court by 
some private person — does it not cause 
great confusion.? 

"Terrestrian: It does. 

" Lunarian : Why then should not 
your laws, previously to being executed, 
be validated, not by the signature of your 
President, but by that of the Chief Justice 
of the Supreme Court ? 

" Terrestrian : There is no precedent 
for any such course. 

"Lunarian: Precedent? What is that? 

"Terrestrian: It has been defined 
by five hundred lawyers in three volumes 
each. So how can any one know ? " 
104 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK E 

EXHORT, V. t. In religious affairs, to 
put the conscience of another upon 
the spit and roast it to a nut-brown 
discomfort. 

EXILE, n. One who serves his country 
by residing abroad, yet is not an 
ambassador. 

An Enghsh sea-captain being asked 
if he had read "The Exile of Erin," 
replied: "No, sir, but I should like 
to anchor on it." Years afterward, 
when he had been hanged as a pirate 
after a career of unparalleled atroci- 
ties, the following memorandum was 
found in the ship's log that he had 
kept at the time of his reply : 

" Aug. 3d, 1 842. Made a joke on the 
ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War 
with the whole world ! " 

EXISTENCE, n. 

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, 
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem; 
From which we 're wakened by a friendly nudge 
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry : " O fudge ! " 
105 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that 
enables us to recognize as an unde- 
sirable old acquaintance the folly 
that we have already embraced. 

To one who, journeying through night and fog, 
Is mired waist deep in an unwholesome bog. 
Experience, like the rising of the dawn. 
Shows him the path he never should have gone. 

yoe/ Frad Bink. 

EXPOSTULATION, w. One of the many 
methods by which fools prefer to lose 
their friends. 

EXTINCTION, 11. The raw material out 
of which theology created the future 
state. 

F 

Fairy, n. A creature, variously fash- 
ioned and endowed, that formerly 
inhabited the meadows and forests. 
It was nocturnal in its habits, and 
somewhat addicted to dancing and 
theft of children. The fairies are 
now believed by naturalists to be 
io6 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

extinct, though a clergyman of the 
Church of England saw three near 
Colchester as lately as 1855, while 
passing through a park after dining 
with the lord of the manor. The 
sight greatly staggered him, and he 
was so affected that his account of 
it was incoherent. In the year 1807 
a troop of fairies visited a wood near 
Aix and carried off" the daughter of a 
peasant, who had been seen to enter 
it with a bundle of clothing. The 
son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared 
about the same time, but afterward 
returned. He had seen the abduc- 
tion and been in pursuit of the fairies. 
Justinian Gaux, a writer of the four- 
teenth century, avers that so great is 
the fairies' power of transformation 
that he saw one change itself into 
two opposing armies and fight a 
battle with great slaughter, and that 
the next day, after it had resumed 
its original shape and gone away, 
there were seven hundred bodies of 
107 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

the slain which the villagers had to 
bury. He does not say if any of 
the wounded recovered. In the 
time of Henry III, of England, a 
law was made which prescribed the 
death penalty for " Kyllynge, wown- 
dynge, or mamynge " a fairy, and it 
was universally respected. 

FAITH, 71. Belief without evidence in 
what is told by one who speaks with- 
out knowledge of things without 
parallel. 

FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. 

Done to a turn on the iron, behold 

Him who to be famous aspired. 
Content ? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, 

And his twistings are greatly admired. 

Hassan Brubuddy. 

FASHION, n. A deity whom the wise 
ridicule, yet the discreet obey. 

A king there was who lost an eye 

In some excess of passion ; 
And straight his courtiers all did try 

To follow the new fashion. 
io8 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

Each dropped one eyelid when before 
The throne he ventured, thinking 

'T would please the king. That monarch swore 
He 'd slay them all for winking. 

What should they do ? They were not hot 

To hazard such disaster ; 
They dared not close an eye — dared not 

See better than their master. 

Seeing them lacrymose and glum, 

A leech consoled the weepers : 
He spread small rags with liquid gum 

And covered half their peepers. 

The court all wore the stuff, the flame 

Of royal anger dying. 
That *s how court-plaster got its name 

Unless I 'm greatly lying. 

Naramy Oof, 

FEAST, n. A festival. A religious cel- 
ebration signalized by gluttony and 
drunkenness, frequently in honor of 
some holy person distinguished for 
abstemiousness. In the Roman Cath- 
olic Church feasts are ** movable " 
and " immovable," but the cele- 
brants are uniformly immovable until 
109 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

they are full. In their earliest de- 
velopment these entertainments took 
the form of feasts for the dead ; such 
were held by the Greeks, under the 
name of Ne?neseia, by the Aztecs 
and Peruvians, as in modern times 
they are popular with the Chinese; 
though it is believed that the ancient 
dead, like the modern, were light 
eaters. Feasts 07t the dead are cele- 
brated with great eciat in Fiji. 
Among the many feasts of the 
Romans was the Nove?ndiale, which 
was held, according to Livy, when- 
ever stones fell from heaven. Of 
all the feast days of the various 
Christian churches none has any 
sanction in the gospel. Men make 
gods of their bellies, and then these 
gods ordain festivals. 

FELON, «. A person of greater enter- 
prise than discretion, who in em- 
bracing an opportunity has formed 
an unfortunate attachment. 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or 
unfair, sex. 

The Maker, at Creation's birth, 
With living things had stocked the earth. 
From elephants to bats and snails. 
They all were good, for all were males. 
But when the Devil came and saw 
He said : " ^y Thine eternal law 
Of growth, maturity, decay. 
These all must quickly pass away 
And leave untenanted the earth 
Unless Thou dost establish birth " — 
Then tucked his head beneath his wing 
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing 
With deviltry did so accord, 
That he 'd suggested to the Lord. 
The Master pondered this advice. 
Then shook and threw the fateful dice 
Wherewith all matters here below 
Are ordered, and observed the throw ; 
Then bent His head in awful state, 
Confirming the decree of Fate. 
From every part of earth anew 
The conscious dust consenting flew. 
While rivers from their courses rolled 
To make it plastic for the mould. 
Enough collected (but no more. 
For niggard Nature hoards her store) 
He kneaded it to flexile clay. 
While Nick unseen threw some away. 
And then the various forms He cast, 
1 1 1 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Gross organs first and fine the last ; 

No one at once evolved, but all 

By even touches grew and small 

Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, 

To match all living things. He 'd made 

Females, complete in all their parts 

Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. 

" No matter," Satan cried ; " with speed 

I 'II fetch the very hearts they need " — 

So flew to Hell and soon brought back 

The number needed, in a sack. 

That night earth rang with sounds of strife — 

Ten million males had each a wife; 

That night sweet Peace her pinions spread 

O'er Hell — ten million devils dead ! 

G.J. 

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. 
An habitual liar's nearest approach to 
truth : the perigee of his eccentric 
orbit. 

When David said : " All men are liars," Dave, 
Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. 
Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief 

By proof that even himself was not a slave 

To Truth ; though I suspect the aged knave 
Had been of all her servitors the chief 
Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf 

Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. 

No, David served not the Naked Truth when he 

I 12 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race ; 
Nor did he hit the nail upon the head : 
For reason shows that it could never be, 
And the facts contradict him to his face. 
Men are not liars all, for some are dead. 

Bartle ^u'tnker. 

FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety 
of an enterprising affection. 

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle 
human ears by friction of a horse's 
tail on the entrails of a cat. 

To Rome said Nero : " If to smoke you turn 
I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." 
To Nero Rome replied : " Pray do your worst, 
'T is my excuse that you were fiddling first." 

Orm Pludge. 

FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to 
those who are about to be betrayed. 

FINANCE, n. The art or science of 
managing revenues and resources for 
the best advantage of the manager. 
The pronunciation of this word 
with the i long and the accent on 
8 113 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

the first syllable is one of America's 
most precious discoveries and posses- 
sions. 

FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above 
troops and hoisted on forts and ships. 
It appears to serve the same purpose 
as certain signs that one sees on 
vacant lots in London — " Rubbish 
may be shot here." 

FLESH, 71. The Second Person of the 
secular Trinity. 

FLOP, V. Suddenly to change one's 
opinions and go over to another 
party. The most notable flop on 
record was that of Saul of Tarsus, 
who has been severely criticised by 
some of our partisan journals. 

FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punc- 
tuation. It is observed by Garvinus 
that the systems of punctuation in 
use by the various literary nations 
depended originally upon the social 
114 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

habits and general diet of the flies 
infesting the several countries. These 
creatures, which have always been dis- 
tinguished for a neighborly and com- 
panionable familiarity with authors, 
liberally or niggardly embellish the 
manuscripts in process of growth 
under the pen, according to their 
bodily habit, bringing out the sense 
of the work by a species of interpre- 
tation superior to, and independent 
of, the writer's powers. The " old 
masters" of literature — that is to 
say, the early writers whose work is 
so esteemed by later scribes and 
critics in the same language — never 
punctuated at all, but worked right 
along free-handed, without that ab- 
ruption of the thought which comes 
from the use of points. (We ob- 
serve the same thing in children 
to-day, whose usage in this particular 
is a striking and beautiful instance of 
the law that the infancy of individ- 
uals reproduces the methods and 
IIS 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Stages of development characterizing 
the infancy of races.) In the work 
of these primitive scribes all the 
punctuation is found, by the modern 
investigator with his optical instru- 
ments and chemical tests, to have 
been inserted by the writers' ingen- 
ious and serviceable collaborator, the 
common house-fly — Musca maledicta. 
In transcribing these ancient MSS, 
for the purpose either of making the 
work their own or preserving what 
they naturally regard as divine reve- 
lations, later writers reverently and 
accurately copy whatever marks they 
find upon the papyrus or parchment, 
to the unspeakable enhancement of 
the lucidity of the thought and value 
of the work. Writers contemporary 
with the copyists naturally avail 
themselves of the obvious advantages 
of these marks in their own work, 
and with such assistance as the flies of 
their own household may be willing 
to grant, frequently rival and some- 
ii6 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

times surpass the older compositions, 
in respect at least of punctuation, 
which is no small glory. Fully to 
understand the important services 
that flies perform to literature it is 
only necessary to lay a page of some 
popular novelist alongside a saucer 
of cream-and-molassess in a sunny 
room and observe ** how the wit 
brightens and the style refines " in 
accurate proportion to the duration 
of exposure. 

FOLLY, n. That " gift and faculty 
divine " whose creative and control- 
ling energy inspires Man's mind, 
guides his actions, and adorns his 
life. 

Folly ! although Erasmus praised thee once 
In a thick volume, and all authors known, 
If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, 

Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts 

Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, 
Their lives to mend and to sustain his own, 
However feebly be his arrows thrown, 

Howe'er each hide the flying weapon blunts. 
117 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

All-Father Folly ! be it mine to raise, 

With lusty lung, here on this western strand 
With all thine offspring thronged from every land, 

Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. 

And if too weak, I '11 hire, to help me bawl, 

Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. 

Aramis Loto Frope. 

FOOL, n. A person who pervades the 
domain of intellectual speculation 
and diffuses himself through the 
channels of moral activity. He is 
omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, 
omniscient, omnipotent. He it v/as 
who invented letters, printing, the 
railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, 
the platitude, and the circle of the 
sciences. He created patriotism and 
taught the nations war — founded 
theology, philosophy, law, medicine, 
and San Francisco. He established 
monarchical and republican govern- 
ment. He is from everlasting to 
everlasting — such as creation's dawn 
beheld he fooleth now. In the 
morning of time he sang upon prim- 
itive hills, and in the noonday of 

ii8 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

existence headed the procession of 
being. His grandmotherly hand has 
warmly tucked-in the set sun of civ- 
ilization, and in the twilight he 
prepares Man's evening meal of milk- 
and-morality and turns down the 
covers of the universal grave. And 
after the rest of us shall have retired 
for the night of eternal oblivion, he 
will sit up to write a history of hu- 
man civilization. 

FORCE, n. 

" Force is but might," the teacher said — 

" That definition 's just." 
The boy said naught but thought instead, 
Remembering his pounded head : 

" Force is not might but must ! " 

FOREFINGER, «. The finger commonly 
used in pointing out two malefactors. 

FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like 
an easy word to define, but when I 
consider that pious and learned theo- 
logians have spent long lives in ex- 
plaining it, and written libraries to 
119 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

explain their explanations ; when I 
remember that nations have been 
divided and bloody battles caused by 
the difference between foreordination 
and predestination, and that millions 
of treasure have been expended in the 
effort to prove and disprove its com- 
patibility with freedom of the will 
and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and 
a religious life, — recalling these 
awful facts in the history of the word, 
I stand appalled before the mighty 
problem of its signification, abase my 
spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate 
its portentous magnitude, reverently 
uncover and humbly refer it to His 
Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His 
Grace Bishop Potter. 

FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God 
bestowed upon debtors in compen- 
sation for their destitution of con- 
science. 

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly 
for the purpose of putting dead ani- 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

mals into the mouth. Formerly the 
knife was employed for this purpose, 
and by many worthy persons is still 
thought to have many advantages 
over the other tool, which, however, 
they do not altogether reject, but 
use to assist in charging the knife. 
The immunity of these persons from 
swift and awful death is one of the 
most striking proofs of God's mercy 
to those that hate Him. 

FORMA PAUPERIS [Latin]. In the char- 
acter of a poor person — a method 
by which a litigant without money 
for lawyers is considerately permitted 
to lose his case. 

When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court 
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) 

Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, 
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. 

" You sue in forma pauperis^ I see," Eve cried ; 

*' Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." 
So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: 

He went away — as he had come — nonsuited. 

G. J. 

121 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

FRANKALMOIGNE, ;;. The tenure by 
which a religious corporation holds 
lands on condition of praying for the 
soul of the donor. In mediaeval 
times many of the wealthiest frater- 
nities obtained their estates in this 
simple and cheap manner, and once 
when Henry VIII of England sent 
an officer to confiscate certain vast 
possessions which a fraternity of 
monks held by frankalmoigne, 
" What ! " said the Prior, " would 
your master stay our benefactor's soul 
in Purgatory ? " " ^y>" said the 
officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray 
him thence for naught he must e'en 
roast." " But look you, my son," 
persisted the good man, "this act 
hath rank as robbery of God ! " " Nay, 
nay, good father, my master the king 
doth but deliver Him from the mani- 
fold temptations of too great wealth." 

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a 
small way of business, whose annexa- 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

tions lack the sanctifying merit of 
magnitude. 

FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the Stress 
of authority in a beggarly half dozen 
of restraint's infinite multitude of 
methods. A political condition that 
every nation supposes itself to enjoy 
in practical monopoly. Liberty. 
The distinction between freedom 
and liberty is not accurately known ; 
naturalists have never been able to 
find a living specimen of either. 

Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, 
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell j 
On every wind, indeed, that blows 
I hear her yell. 

She screams whenever monarchs meet, 

And parliaments as well. 
To bind the chains about her feet 
And toll her knell. 

And when the sovereign people cast 

The votes they cannot spell, 
Upon the lung-impested blast 
Her clamors swell. 
123 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

For all to whom the power's given 

To sway or to compel, 
Among themselves apportion heaven 
And give her hell. 

Blary 0''Gary. 

FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret 
rites, grotesque ceremonies, and fan- 
tastic costumes, which, originating in 
the reign of Charles II, among work- 
ing artisans of London, has been joined 
successively by the dead of past cen- 
turies in unbroken retrogression until 
now it embraces all the generations 
of man on the hither side of Adam 
and is drumming up distinguished 
recruits among the pre-Creational 
inhabitants of Chaos and the Form- 
less Void. The order was founded 
at different times by Charlemagne, 
Julius Cassar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoro- 
aster, Confucius, Thothmes, and 
Buddha. Its emblems and symbols 
have been found in the Catacombs 
of Paris and Rome, on the stones of 

the Parthenon and the Chinese Great 
124 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

Wall, among the temples of Karnak 
and Palmyra and in the Egyptian 
Pyramids — always by a Freemason. 

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to 
bestow. Destitute of fortune. Ad- 
dicted to utterance of truth and 
common sense. 

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough 
to carry two in fair weather, but 
none in foul. 

The sea was calm and the sky was blue; 
Merrily, merrily sailed we two. 

(High barometer maketh glad.) 
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout. 
The tempest descended and we fell out. 

(O the walking is nasty bad !) 

Jrmit HuffBettle. 

FROG, n. An amphibious reptile with 
edible kickers. When young, this 
creature is called a Mary wog or Thad- 
deuspole, and as such maintains a 
tail, subsequently eschewed. The first 
mention of frogs in profane literature 
is in Homer's narrative of the war 
125 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

between them and the mice. Skep- 
tical persons have doubted Homer's 
authorship of the work, but the 
learned, ingenious, and industrious 
Dr. Schliemann has set the question 
forever at rest by uncovering the 
bones of the slain frogs. One of 
the forms of moral suasion by which 
Pharaoh was lobbied in favor of the 
Israelities was a plague of frogs, but 
Pharaoh, who liked them fricaseCy 
remarked, with truly oriental stoi- 
cism, that he could stand it as long 
as the frogs and the Jews could ; so 
the programme was changed. The 
frog is a diligent songster, having a 
good voice but no ear. The libretto 
of his favorite opera, as written 
by Aristophanes, is brief, simple, 
and effective — " brekekex-koax " ; 
the music is apparently by that emi- 
nent composer, Richard Wagner. 
Horses have a frog in each hoof — 
a thoughtful provision of nature, 
enabling them to jump. 
126 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK F 

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the 
penal apparatus employed in that 
hell-upon-earth, a woman's kitchen. 
The frying-pan was invented by 
Calvin, and by him used in scram- 
bling span-long infants that had 
died without baptism ; but observing 
one day the horrible torment of a 
tramp who had incautiously pulled a 
fried babe from the waste-dump and 
devoured it, it occurred to the great 
divine to rob death of its terrors by 
introducing the frying-pan into every 
household in Geneva. Thence it 
spread to all corners of the world, 
and has been of invaluable assistance 
in the propagation of his sombre 
faith. The following lines (said to 
be from the pen of His Grace Bishop 
Potter) seem to imply that the use- 
fulness of this utensil is not limited 
to this world ; but as the conse- 
quences of its employment in this 
life reach over into the life to 
come, so also itself may be found 
127 



F THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

on the other side, rewarding its 
devotees : 

Old Nick was summoned to the skies. 

Said Peter : " Your intentions 
Are good, but you lack enterprise 

Concerning new inventions. 

"Now, broiling is an ancient plan 

Of torment, but I hear it 
Reported that the frying-pan 

Sears best the wicked spirit. 

"Go get one — fill it up with fat — 
Fry sinners brown and good in 't." 

" I know a trick worth two o' that," 
Said Nick — "I '11 cook their food in 't." 

FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we 
attest our respect for the dead by 
enriching the undertaker, and 
strengthen our grief by an expendi- 
ture that deepens our groans and 
doubles our tears. 

The savage dies — they sacrifice a horse 
To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. 
Our friends expire — we make the money fly 
In hope their souls will chase it through the sky. 

yex IVopley. 
128 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

FUTURE, n. That period of time in 
which our affairs prosper, our friends 
are true, and our happiness is assured. 

G 

Gallows, «. A stage for the per- 
formance of miracle plays, in which 
the leading actor is translated to 
heaven. In this country the gallows 
is chiefly remarkable for the number 
of persons who escape it. 

Whether on the gallows high 

Or where blood flows the reddest, 

The noblest place for man to die — 
Is where he dies the deadest. 

Old Play. 

GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout project- 
ing from the eaves of mediaeval build- 
ings, commonly fashioned into a 
grotesque caricature of some personal 
enemy of the architect or owner of 
the building. This was especial!}^ 
the case in churches and ecclesiasti- 
cal structures generally, in which the 
9 129 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' 
gallery of local heretics and contro- 
versialists. Sometimes when a new 
dean and chapter were installed 
the old gargoyles were removed and 
others substituted having a closer re- 
lation to the private animosities of 
the new incumbents. 

GARTER, n. An elastic band intended 
to keep a woman from coming out 
of her stockings and desolating the 
country. An order of merit estab- 
lished by Edward III of England, 
and conferred upon persons who have 
distinguished themselves in the royal 
favor. 

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word 
meant noble by birth and was rightly 
applied to a great multitude of per- 
sons. It now means noble by nature, 
and is taking a bit of a rest. 

GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's 

descent from an ancestor who did 
130 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

not particularly care to trace his 
own. 

GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the 
fashion of a gent. 

Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal : 

A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. 

Heed not the definitions your " Unabridged " 

presents, 
For dictionary makers are generally gents. 

G.J. 

GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can 
tell you offhand the difference be- 
tweeen the outside of the world and 
the inside. 

Habeam, geographer of wide renown, 
Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town. 
In passing thence along the river Zam 
To the adjacent village of Xelam, 
Bewildered by the multitude of roads, 
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, 
Then from exposure miserably died, 
And grateful travellers bewailed their guide. 
Henry Haukhorn. 

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the 
earth's crust — to which, doubtless, 
131 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

will be added that of its interior 
whenever a man shall come up gar- 
rulous out of a well. The geological 
formations of the globe already 
noted are catalogued thus : The 
Primary, or lower one, consists of 
rocks, bones of mired mules, gas- 
pipes, miners' tools, antique statues 
minus the nose, Spanish doubloons, 
and ancestors. The Secondary is 
largely made up of red worms and 
moles. The Tertiary comprises rail- 
way tracks, patent pavements, grass, 
snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, 
tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, 
garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs, and 
fools. 

GHOST, n. The outward and visible 
sign of an inward fear. 

He saw a ghost. 
It occupied — that dismal thing ! — 
The path that he was following. 
Before he 'd time to stop and fly. 
An earthquake trifled with the eye 

That saw a ghost. 
132 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

He fell as fall the early good ; 
Unmoved that awful spectre stood. 
The stars that danced before his ken 
He wildly brushed away, and then 
He saw a post. 

Jared Macphester. 

Accounting for the uncommon 
behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions 
somebody's ingenious theory to the 
effect that they are as much afraid 
of us as we of them. Not quite, if 
I may judge from such tables of com- 
parative speed as I am able to compile 
from memories of my own experience. 

There is one insuperable obstacle 
to a belief in ghosts. A ghost never 
comes naked : he appears either in a 
winding-sheet or " in his habit as he 
lived." To believe in him, then, is 
to believe that not only have the 
dead the power to make themselves 
visible after there is nothing left of 
them, but that the same extraordinary 
gift inheres in textile fabrics. Sup- 
posing the products of the loom to 
have this ability, what object would 
133 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

they have in exercising it ? And 
why does not the apparition of a suit of 
clothes sometimes walk abroad with- 
out a ghost in it? These be riddles of 
significance. They reach away down 
and get a convulsive grasp on the very 
tap-root of this flourishing faith. 

GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the 
reprehensible habit of devouring the 
dead. The existence of ghouls has 
been disputed by that class of con- 
troversialists who are more concerned 
to deprive the world of comforting 
beliefs than give it anything good in 
their place, but nobody now seriously 
denies it. In 1640 Father Seechi 
saw one in a cemetery near Florence 
and frightened it away with the sign 
of the cross. He describes it as 
gifted with several heads and an un- 
common allowance of limbs, and he 
saw it in more than one place at a 
time. The good man was coming 
away from dinner at the time and 
134 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

explains that if he had not been 
*' heavy with eating " he would have 
seized the demon at all hazards. 
Atholston relates that a ghoul was 
caught by some sturdy peasants in a 
churchyard at Sudbury and ducked 
in a horsepond. (He appears to 
think that so distinguished a crimi- 
nal should have been ducked in a 
tank of rose-water.) The water 
turned at once to blood *' and so con- 
tynues unto ys daye." The pond 
has since been bled with a ditch. 
As late as the beginning of the last 
century a ghoul was cornered in the 
crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and 
the whole population surrounded the 
place. Twenty armed men with a 
priest at their head, bearing a cruci- 
fix, entered and captured the ghoul, 
v/hich, thinking to escape by the 
stratagem, had transformed itself to 
the semblance of a well-known citi- 
zen, but was nevertheless hanged, 
drawn and quartered in the midst of 
135 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

hideous popular orgies. The citi- 
zen whose shape the demon had as- 
sumed was so affected by the sinister 
occurrence that he never again 
showed himself in Amiens and his 
fate remains a mystery. 

GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes 
the evils of moderation by commit- 
ting dyspepsia. 

GNOME, n. In North-European my- 
thology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting 
the interior parts of the earth and 
having special custody of mineral 
treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 
1765, says gnomes were common 
enough in the southern parts of 
Sweden in his boyhood, and he fre- 
quently saw them scampering on the 
hills in the evening twilight. Lud- 
wig Binkerhoof saw three as recently 
as 1792, in the Black Forest, and 
Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they 
drove a party of miners out of a 

Silesian mine. Basing our compu- 
136 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

tations upon data supplied by these 
statements, we find that the gnomes 
probably became extinct about 1640. 

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers 
who tried to engineer a fusion be- 
tween the early Christians and the 
Platonists. The former would not 
go into the caucus and the combina- 
tion failed, greatly to the chagrin of 
the fusion managers. 

GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, 
which in its domesticated state re- 
sembles a horse, a buffalo, and a stag. 
In its wild condition it is something 
like a thunderbolt, an earthquake, 
and a cyclone. 

A hunter from Kew caught a distant view 

Of a peacefully meditative gnu, 
And he said : "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue 

In its blood at a closer interview." 
But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw 

O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew ; 
And he said as he flew : " It is well I withdrew 

Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew 

That really meritorious gnu." 

Jam Leffer. 
137 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the 
worth of this present writer. Alive, 
sir, to the advantages of letting him 
alone. 

GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills 
for writing. These, by some occult 
process of nature, are penetrated and 
suffused with various degrees of the 
bird's intellectual energies and emo- 
tional character, so that when inked 
and drawn mechanically across paper 
by a person called an ** author," there 
results a very fair and accurate tran- 
script of the fowl's thought and feel- 
ing. The difference in geese, as 
discovered by this ingenious method, 
is considerable : many are found to 
have only trivial and insignificant 
powers, but some are seen to be very 
great geese indeed. 

GORGON, n. 

The Gorgon was a maiden bold 

Who turned to stone the Greeks of old 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

Who looked upon her awful brow. 
We dig them out of ruins now, 
And swear that workmanship so bad 
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. 

GOUT, n. A physician's name for the 
rheumatism of a rich patient. 

GRACES, w. Three beautiful goddesses, 
Aglaia, Thalia, and Euphrosyne, who 
attended upon Venus, serving with- 
out salary. They were at no expense 
for board and clothing, for they ate 
nothing to speak of and dressed 
according to the weather, wearing 
whatever breeze happened to be 
blowing. 

GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls 
thoughtfully prepared for the feet of 
the self-made man, along the path 
by which he advances upon our 
understanding. 

GRAPE, n. 

Hail noble fruit ! — by Homer sung, 

Anacreon and Khayyam ; 
Thy praise is ever on the tongue 

Of better men than I am. 
139 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

The lyre my hand has never swept. 

The song I cannot offer : 
My humbler service pray accept — 

I '11 help to kill the scoffer. 

The water-drinkers and the cranks 
Who load their skins with liquor — 

I *11 gladly bare their belly-tanks 
And tap them with my sticker. 

Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools 
When e'er we let the wine rest. 

Here 's death to Prohibition's fools 
And every kind of vine-pest ! 

'Jamrach Holobom. 

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which 
the future is preparing in answer to 
the demands of American Socialism. 

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead 
are laid to await the coming of the 
medical student. 

Beside a lonely grave I stood — 

With brambles 't was encumbered ; 

The winds were moaning in the wood. 
Unheard by him who slumbered. 

A rustic standing near, I said : 

" He cannot hear it blowing ! " 
" 'Course not," said he : " the feller 's dead — 
He can't hear nowt that 's going." 
140 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

" Too true," I said ; " alas, too true — 
No sounds his sense can quicken ! " 

" Well, Mister, wot is that to you ? — 
The deadster ain't a kickin'." 

I knelt and prayed : " O Father smile 
On him, and mercy show him ! " 

That countryman looked on the while, 
And said : "Ye did n't know him." 

Pobeter Dunk. 

GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of 
all bodies to approach one another 
with a strength proportioned to the 
quantity of matter they contain — 
the quantity of matter they contain 
being ascertained by the strength of 
their tendency to approach one an-, 
other. This is a lovely and edifying 
illustration of how science, having 
made A the proof of B, makes B 
the proof of A. 

GREAT, adj. 

" I 'm great," the Lion said — "I reign 
The monarch of the wood and plain ! " 

The Elephant replied : "I'm great — 
No quadruped can match my weight ! " 
141 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

"I'm great — no animal has half 
So long a neck ! " said the Giraffe. 

" I 'm great," the Kangaroo said — " see 
My caudal muscularity ! " 

The 'Possum said: "I 'm great — behold, 
My tail is lithe and bald and cold ! " 

An Oyster fried was understood 

To say : " I 'm great because I 'm good ! " 

Each reckons greatness to consist 
In that in which he heads the list, 

And Braywell thinks he tops his class 
Because he is the greatest ass. 

Jrion Spur I Doke. 

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which 
makes a Frenchman shrug his shoul- 
ders with good reason. 

In his great work on Divergent 
Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned 
and ingenious Professor Brayfugle 
argues from the prevalence of this 
gesture — the shrug — among French- 
men, that they are descended from 
turtles, and it is simply a survival of 
the habit of retracting the head in- 
142 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

side the shell. It is with reluctance 
that I difFer with so eminent an au- 
thority, but in my judgment (as more 
elaborately set forth and enforced in 
my work entitled Hereditary Emotions 
— lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor 
foundation upon which to build so 
important a theory, for previously to 
the Revolution the gesture was un- 
known. I have not a doubt that it 
is directly referable to the terror in- 
spired by the guillotine during the 
period of that instrument's awful 
activity. 

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed 
by civilized nations for the settle- 
ment of disputes which might be- 
come troublesome if left unadjusted. 
By most writers the invention of 
gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, 
but not upon very convincing evi- 
dence. Milton says it was invented 
by the devil to kill angels with, and 
this opinion seems to derive some sup- 
H3 



G THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

port from the scarcity of angels. 
Moreover, it has the hearty concur- 
rence of the Hon. James Wilson, 
Secretary of Agriculture. Secre- 
tary Wilson became interested in 
gunpowder through an event that 
occurred on the Government ex- 
perimental farm in the District of 
Columbia. One day, some years ago, 
some rogue, imperfectly reverent of 
his profound attainments and* per- 
sonal character, presented him with 
a sack of gunpowder, representing 
it as the seed of the Flashawful Jiab- 
bergastor, a Patagonian cereal of 
great commercial value, admirably 
adapted to this climate. The good 
Secretary was instructed to spill it 
along in a furrow and afterward in- 
hume it with soil. This he at once 
proceeded to do, and had made a 
continuous line of it all the way 
across a ten-acre field, when he was 
made to look backward by a shout 
from the generous donor, who at 
144 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK G 

once dropped a lighted match into 
the furrow at the starting-point. 
Contact with the earth had some- 
what dampened the powder, but the 
startled functionary saw himself pur- 
sued by a tall moving pillar of fire 
and smoke in fierce evolution. He 
stood for a moment paralyzed and 
speechless, then he recollected an 
engagement, and, dropping all, ab- 
sented himself thence with such sur- 
prising celerity that to the eyes of 
spectators along the route selected he 
appeared like a long, dim streak of 
farmer prolonging itself with incon- 
ceivable rapidity through seven vil- 
lages, and audibly refusing to be 
comforted. " Great Scott ! what is 
that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, 
shading his eyes and gazing at the 
fading line of agriculturist which bi- 
sected his visible horizon. "That," 
said the surveyor, carelessly, glanc- 
ing at the phenomenon and again 
centring his attention upon his 
10 145 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

instrument, " is the Meridian of 
Washington." 



H 

Habeas corpus. A writ by which 
a man may be taken out of jail and 
asked how he likes it. 

HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. 

HADES, n. The lower world ; the resi- 
dence of departed spirits ; the place 
where the dead live. 

Among the ancients the idea of 
Hades was not synonymous with our 
Hell, many of the most respectable 
men of antiquity residing there in a 
very comfortable kind of way. In- 
deed, the Elysian Fields themselves 
were a part of Hades, though they 
have since been removed to Paris. 
When the Jacobean version of the 

New Testament was in process of 
146 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

evolution the pious and learned men 
engaged in the work insisted by a 
majority vote on translating the Greek 
word " Hades" as " Hell " ; but a con- 
scientious minority member secretly 
possessed himself of the record and 
struck out the objectionable word 
wherever he could find it. At the 
next meeting, the Bishop of Winches- 
ter, looking over the work, suddenly 
sprang to his feet and said with con- 
siderable excitement : " Gentlemen, 
somebody has been razing * Hell ' 
here ! " Years afterwards the good 
prelate's death was made sweet by the 
reflection that he had been the means 
(under Providence) of making an 
important, serviceable, and immortal 
addition to the phraseology of the 
English tongue. 

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you 
do not happen to like ; sometimes 
called, also, a hen, or cat. Old 
witches, sorceresses, etc., were called 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

hags from the belief that their heads 
were surrounded by a kind of baleful 
lumination or nimbus — hag being 
the popular name of that peculiar 
electrical light sometimes observed 
in the hair. At one time hag was 
not a word of reproach : Drayton 
speaks of a " beautiful hag, all 
smiles," much as Shakespeare said, 
"sweet wench." It would not now 
be proper to call your sweetheart a 
hag — that pleasure is reserved for 
her grandchildren. 

HALF, n. One of two equal parts into 
which a thing may be divided, or 
considered as divided. In the four- 
teenth century a heated discussion 
arose among the theologists and 
philosophers as to whether Omnis- 
cience could part an object into 
three halves ; and the pious Father 
Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the 
cathedral at Rouen that God would 

demonstrate the affirmative of the 
148 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

proposition in some signal and un- 
mistakable way, and particularly (if 
it should please Him) upon the body 
of that hardy blasphemer, Manu- 
tius Procinus, who maintained the 
negative. Procinus, however, was 
spared to die of the bite of a 
viper. 

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring 
encircling an astronomical body, but 
not infrequently confounded with 
"aureola," or "nimbus," a some- 
what similar phenomenon worn as 
a head-dress by divinities and saints. 
The halo is a purely optical illusion, 
produced by moisture in the air, in 
the manner of a rainbow; but the 
aureola is conferred as a sign of supe- 
rior sanctity, in the same way as a 
bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara. 
In the painting of the Nativity, by 
Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not 
only do the Virgin and the Child 

wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling 

149 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

hay from the sacred manger is simi- 
larly decorated and, to his lasting 
honor be it said, appears to bear his 
unaccustomed dignity with a truly 
saintly grace. 

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn 
at the end of the human arm and com- 
monly thrust into somebody's pocket. 

HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of 
silk or linen, used in various ignoble 
offices about the face and especially 
serviceable at funerals to conceal the 
lack of tears. The handkerchief is 
of recent invention ; our ancestors 
knew nothing of it and intrusted its 
duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's 
introducing it into the play of 
" Othello " is an anachronism ; Des- 
damona dried her nose with her 
coat-tails as Dr. Mary Walker and 
other reformers have done in our 
own day — an evidence that revolu- 
tions sometimes go backward. 
ISO 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law- 
charged with duties of the highest 
dignity and utmost gravity, and held 
in hereditary disesteem by a populace 
having a criminal ancestry. In some 
of the American States his functions 
are now performed by an electrician, 
as in New Jersey, where executions 
by electricity have recently been or- 
dered — - the first instance known to 
this lexicographer of anybody ques- 
tioning the expediency of hanging 
Jerseymen. 

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeble sensation 
arising from contemplating the mis- 
ery of another. 

HARANGUE, n. A speech by an oppo- 
nent, who is known as an harang- 
outang. 

HARBOR, n. A place where ships tak- 
ing shelter from storms are exposed 
to the fury of the customs. 
151 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, 
now extinct, who came from Europe 
in the beginning of the last cen- 
tury and were distinguished for the 
bitterness of their internal contro- 
versies and dissensions. 

HASH, X. There is no definition for 
this word — nobody knows what 
hash is. 

HATCHET, n. A young axe, known 
among Indians as a Thomashawk. 

" O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, 
For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. . 
The Savage concurred, and that weapon 
interred. 
With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. 

yohn Lukkus. 

HATRED, n. The sentiment appropri- 
ate to the occasion of another's suc- 
cess or superiority. 

HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation or poll- 
tax. 

152 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

In ancient times there lived a king 
Whose tax-collectors could not wring 
From all his subjects gold enough 
To make the royal way less rough. 
For pleasure's highway, like the dames 
Whose premises adjoin it, claims 
Perpetual repairing. So 
The tax-collectors in a row 
Appeared before the throne to pray 
Their master to devise some way 
To swell the revenue. " So great," 
Said they, " are the demands of state 
A tithe of all that we collect 
Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect : 
How, if one-tenth we must resign, 
Can we exist on t'other nine ? " 
The monarch asked them in reply : 
" Has it occurred to you to try 
The advantage of economy ? " 
" It has," the spokesman said : " we sold 
All of our gay garrotes of gold ; 
With plated-ware we now compress 
The necks of those whom we assess. 
Plain iron forceps we employ 
To mitigate the miser's joy 
Who hoards, with greed that never tires, 
That which your Majesty requires." 
Deep lines of thought were seen to plow 
Their way across the royal brow. 
" Your state is desperate, no question ; 
Pray favor me with a suggestion." 
*' O King of Men," the spokesman said, 
153 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

" If you'll impose upon each head 
A tax, the augmented revenue 
We '11 cheerfully divide with you." 
As flashes of the sun illume tft 

The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, 
The king smiled grimly. " I decree 
That it be so — and, not to be 
In generosity outdone, 
Declare you, each and every one, 
Exempted from the operation 
Of this new law of capitation. 
But lest the people censure me 
Because they 're bound and you are free, 
'T were well some clever scheme were laid 
By you this poll-tax to evade. 
I '11 leave you now while you confer 
With my most trusted minister." 
The monarch from the throne-room walked 
And straightway in among them stalked 
A silent man, with brow concealed. 
Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed I 

G.J. 

HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. 

HEART, n. An automatic, muscular 
blood-pump. Figuratively, this use- 
ful organ is said to be the seat of 
emotions and sentiments — a very 
pretty fancy which, however, is noth- 
154 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

ing but a survival of a once universal 
belief. It is now known that the 
seiiLiments and emotions reside in the 
stomach, being evolved from food by 
chemical action of the gastric fluid. 
The exact process by which a beef- 
steak becomes a feeling — tender or 
not, according to the age of the ani- 
mal from which it was cut ; the suc- 
cessive stages of elaboration through 
which a caviare sandwich is trans- 
muted to a quaint fancy and reap- 
pears as a pungent epigram ; the 
marvellous functional methods of con- 
verting a hard-boiled egg into reli- 
gious contrition, or a cream-puff into 
a sigh of sensibility — these things 
have been patiently ascertained by 
M. Pasteur, and by him expounded 
with convincing lucidity. (See, also, 
my monograph on " The Essential 
Identity of the Spiritual Affections 
and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed 
in Digestion" — 4to, 687 pp.) In 
a scientific work entitled, I believe, 
155 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Delectatio De?nonorum (John Camden 
Hotten, London, 1873) this view of 
the sentiments receives a striking il- 
lustration and support in the author's 
account of an experiment made with 
a view to testing it. The stomach 
of a man who had died of a surfeit 
of turkey on Thanksgiving Day was 
removed and kept tightly closed until 
it was greatly distended with the 
gases produced by digestion. The 
compression on the neck of it being 
then relaxed, the words, " Praise God 
from whom all blessings flow ! " were 
heard with distinct articulation, as 
the swollen organ collapsed. It is 
nonsense to ignore, belittle, pervert 
or deny the significance of a fact like 
that. For further light upon this 
subject, consult Professor Dam's fa- 
mous treatise on " Love as a product 
of Alimentary Maceration." 

HEAT, 71. 

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode 

Of motion, but I know now how he 's proving 
156 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

His point; but this I know — hot words bestowed 

With skill will set the human fist a-moving, 
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. 
Trust an eye-witness — I've been there, my child. 

Gorton Swope. 

HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature 
who has the folly to worship some- 
thing that he can see and feel. Ac- 
cording to Professor Howison, of the 
California State University, Hebrews 
are heathens. 

" The Hebrews are heathens ! " says Howison. 
He's 

A Christian philosopher. I 'm 
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please. 

Addicted too much to the crime 

Of religious discussion in rhyme. 

Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree 
On a modus vivendi — not they ! — 

Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, 
And I have n't been built in a way 
To joy in the thick of the fray. 

For this of my creed is the soul and the gist. 

And the truth of it I aver : 
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, 

An 'ite, an 'ic, and an 'er — 

And I 'm down upon him or her ! 
157 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin 

Toleration — that 's all very well, 
But a roast is " nuts " to his nostril thin, 

And he 's running — I know by the smell — 

A secret, particular hell ! 

Bis sell Gip. 

HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked 
cease from troubling you with talk 
of their personal affairs, and the good 
listen with attention while you ex- 
pound your own. 

HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distin- 
guished from the Shebrew, an alto- 
gether superior creation. 

HELPMATE, m. A wife, or bitter half. 

" Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat ? " 
Says the priest. " Since the time o' yer wooin' 
She 's niver assisted in what ye were at — 
For it 's naught ye are ever doin'." 

*' That 's true of yer Riverence," Patrick replies, 
And no sign of contrition evinces ; 

" But, bedad, it 's a fact which the word implies. 
For she helps to mate the expinses ! " 

Marley Wottel. 
158 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous 
bark is made an article of neckwear 
which is frequently put on after 
public speaking in the open air and 
prevents the wearer from taking cold. 

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and 
follies are not sociable. 

HERS, pron. His. 

HIBERNATE, v. n. To pass the winter 
season in domestic seclusion. There 
have been many singular popular 
notions about the hibernation of 
various animals. Many believe that 
the bear hibernates during the whole 
winter and subsists by mechanically 
sucking its paws. It is admitted that 
it comes out of its retirement in the 
spring so lean that it has to try twice 
before it can cast a shadow. Three 
or four centuries ago, in England, no 
fact was better attested than that 
swallows passed the winter months 
in the mud at the bottoms of the 
159 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

brooks, clinging together in globular 
masses. They have apparently been 
compelled to give up the custom on 
account of the foulness of the brooks. 
Sotus Escobius discovered in Central 
Asia a whole nation of people who 
hibernated. By some investigators, 
the fasting of Lent is supposed to 
have been originally a modified form 
of hibernation, to which the Church 
gave a religious significance ; but 
this view is strenuously opposed by 
that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, 
who does not wish any honors de- 
nied to the memory of the Founder 
of his family. 

HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now ex- 
tinct) which was half horse and half 
griffin. The griffin was itself a com- 
pound creature, half lion and half 
eagle. The hippogriflF was therefore 
one quarter eagle, which is two dollars 
and fifty cents in gold. The study 
of natural history is full of surprises. 
1 60 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. 

HISTORY, n. An account, mostly false, 
of events, mostly unimportant, which 
are brought about by rulers, mostly 
knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 
'T is nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 't were 

known. 
Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, 
Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. 

Salder Bupp. 

HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the 
catholicity of its appetite and serving 
to illustrate that of ours. Among 
the Mahometans and Jews, the hog 
is not in favor as an article of diet, 
but is respected for the delicacy of 
its habits, the beauty of its plumage, 
and the melody of its voice. It is 
chiefly as a songster that the fowl 
is esteemed; a cage of him in full 
chorus has been known to draw tears 
from two persons at once. The 
scientific name of this dicky-bird is 
II i6i 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Porcus Rockefelleri. Mr. Rockefeller 
did not discover the hog, but it is 
considered his by right of resem- 
blance. 

HOMCEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of 
the medical profession. 

HOMCEOPATHY, n. A school of medi- 
cine midway between Allopathy and 
Christian Science. To the last both 
the others are distinctly inferior, for 
Christian Science will cure imaginary 
diseases and they can not. 

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one 
human being by another. There are 
four kinds of homicide : felonious, ex- 
cusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, 
but it makes no great difference to 
the person slain whether he fell by 
one kind or another — the classifica- 
tion is for advantage of the lawyers. 

HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapt- 
ing sermons to the spiritual needs, 
162 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

capacities, and conditions of the 
congregation. 

So skilled the parson was in homiletics 
That all his moral purges and emetics 
To medicine the spirit were compounded 
With a most just discrimination, founded 
Upon a rigorous examination 
Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. 
Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, 
His scriptural specifics this physician 
Administered — his pills so efficacious 
And pukes of disposition so vivacious 
That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam 
Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. 
But Slander's tongue — itself all coated — uttered 
Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered 
That in the case of patients having money 
The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. 
Biography of Bishop Potter. 

HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an 
impediment in one's reach. In legis- 
lative bodies it is customary to men- 
tion all members as honorable ; as, 
" the honorable gentleman is a scurvy 
cur." 

HOPE, n. Desire and expectation 

rolled into one. 

163 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Delicious Hope ! when naught to man is left — 
Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft ; 
When even his dog deserts him, and his goat 
With tranquil disaflfection chews his coat 
While yet it hangs upon his back ; then thou, 
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, 
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint 
The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. 

Fogarty JVeffing. 

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which 
induces us to lodge and feed certain 
persons who are not in want of food 
and lodging. 

HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and 
specially applied sense of the earth's 
overpopulation. Hostility is classed 
as active and passive ; as (respect- 
ively) the feeling of a woman for 
her female friends, and that which she 
entertains for all the rest of her sex. 

HOURI, n. A comely female inhabit- 
ing the Mohammedan Paradise to 
make things cheery for the good 
musselman, whose belief in her ex- 
istence marks a noble discontent 
164 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

with his earthly spouse, whom he 
denies a soul. By that good lady 
the Houris are said to be held in 
deficient esteem. 

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected 
for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, 
beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, 
bacillus, and microbe. House of Cor- 
rection^ a place of reward for political 
and personal service, and for the de- 
tention of appropriations and offend- 
ers. House of Gody a building with 
a steeple and a mortgage on it. 
House-dogy a pestilent beast kept on 
domestic premises to insult persons 
passing by and appal the hardy visitor. 
House-maid, a youngerly person of 
the opposing sex employed to be 
variously disagreeable and ingeniously 
unclean in the station in which it 
has pleased God to place her. 

HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all 

taxes on household goods. 
165 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called 
the Palace. 

Twaddle had a hovel, 

Twiddle had a palace; 
Twaddle said : " I '11 grovel 
Or he '11 think I bear him malice " — 
A sentiment as novel 

As a chimney on a chalice. 

Down upon the middle 

Of his legs fell Twaddle 
And astonished Mr. Twiddle, 

Who began to lift his noddle, 
Feed upon the fiddle- 

Faddle flummery, unswaddle 
A new-born self-sufficiency and thinic himself 
a model. 

G.J. 

HUMANITY, n. The human race, col- 
lectively, exclusive of the anthropoid 
poets. 

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would 
have softened down the hoar auster- 
ity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded 
him to dismiss Israel with his best 

wishes, cat-quick. 
1 66 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK H 

Lo ! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind 
Sees jokes in crowds, though still to gloom 

inclined — 
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray. 
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. 
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, 
A graceful hog would bear his company. 

Alexander Poke. 

hurricane; n. An atmospheric dem- 
onstration once very common but 
now generally abandoned for the 
tornado and cyclone. The hurricane 
is still in popular use in the West 
Indies and is preferred by certain old- 
fashioned sea-captains. It is also 
used in the construction of the upper 
decks of steamboats, but generally 
speaking, the hurricane's usefulness 
has outlasted it. 

HURRY, «. The dispatch of bunglers. 

HUSBAND, M. One who, having dined, 
is charged with the care of the 
plate. 

HYBRID, «. A pooled issue. 
167 



H THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that 
the ancients catalogued under many 
heads. 

HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence 
by some oriental nations from its 
habit of frequenting at night the 
burial-places of the dead. But the 
observant medical student loathes 
the creature, for he knows why it 
goes to the graveyard. He has met 
it there. 

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of 
one's own spirits. 

Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot 
Where long the village rubbish had been shot 
Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps — 
" Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. 

Bogul S, Purvy. 

HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing 

virtues that he does not respect, 

secures the advantage of seeming to 

be what he despises. 
i68 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 



I 

/ is the first letter of the alphabet, 
the first word of the language, the 
first thought of the mind, the first 
object of affection. In grammar 
it is a pronoun of the first person 
and singular number. Its plural 
is said to be JVe, but how there 
can be more than one myself is 
doubtless clearer to the grammar- 
ians than it is to the author of 
this incomparable dictionary. Con- 
ception of two myselves is dif- 
ficult, but fine. The frank yet 
graceful use of " I " distinguishes a 
good writer from a bad ; the lat- 
ter carries it with the demeanor of 
the Impenitent Thief packing his 
cross up Calvary. 

ICHOR, n. A fluid that served the 

gods and goddesses in place of 

blood. 

169 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, 
Restrained the raging chief and said : 
*' Behold, rash mortal, whom you 've bled — 
Your soul's stained white with ichorshed ! " 

Mary Doke. 

ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, 
the worshippers whereof are imper- 
fectly gratified by the performance, 
and most strenuously protest that he 
unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that 
he teareth down but pileth not up. 
For the poor things would have 
other idols in place of those he 
thwacketh upon the mazzard and 
dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith : 
"Ye shall have none at all, for ye 
need them not ; and if the rebuilder 
fooleth round hereabout, behold I 
will depress the head of him and sit 
thereon till he squawk it." 

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and 
powerful tribe whose influence in 
human affairs has always been domi- 
nant and controlling. The Idiot's 

170 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

activity is not confined to any special 
field of thought or action, but " per- 
vades and regulates the whole." He 
has the last word in everything ; his 
decision is unappealable. He sets 
the fashions of opinion and taste, 
dictates the limitations of speech and 
circumscribes conduct with a dead- 
line. 

IDLENESS, n. A model farm where 
the devil experiments with seeds of 
new sins and promotes the growth 
of untried vices. 

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted 
with certain kinds of knowledge 
familiar to yourself, and having cer- 
tain other kinds that you know noth- 
ing about. 

Dumble was an ignoramus, 
Mumble was for learning famous. 
Mumble said one day to Dumble : 
" Ignorance should be more humble. 
Not a spark have you of knowledge 
That was got in any college." 
171 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Dumble said to Mumble : " Truly 
You 're self-satisfied unduly. 
Of things in college I 'm denied 
A knowledge — you of all outside." 

Borelli. 

ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish 
heretics of the latter part of the six- 
teenth century ; so called because 
they were light weights — cunctationes 
illwninati. 

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for 
the shafts of malice, envy, and de- 
traction. 

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of 
facts, with poet and liar in joint 
ownership. 

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine in- 
spiration, or sacred fire, affecting 
censorious critics of this dictionary. 

IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened per- 
son who thinks one country better 

than another. 

172 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense 
of one's own merit, coupled with a 
feeble conception of worth in others. 

There was once a man in Ispahan 

Ever and ever so long ago, 
And he had a head, the phrenologists said, 
That fitted him for a show. 

For his modesty's bump was so large a lump 

(Nature, they said, had taken a freak) 
That its summit stood far above the wood 
Of his hair, like a mountain peak. 

So modest a man in all Ispahan, 

Over and over again they swore — 
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek ; 
None ever was found before. 

Meantime the hump of that awful bump 

Into the heavens contrived to get 
To so great a height that they called the wight 
The man with a minaret. 

There was n't a man in all Ispahan 

Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump : 
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung 
He bragged of that beautiful bump 

Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page 

Bearing a sack and a bow-string too. 
And that gentle child explained as he smiled : 
" A little present for you." 
173 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

The saddest man in all Ispahan, 

Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. 
" If I 'd lived," said he, " my humility 
Had given me deathless fame ! " 

Sukker TJffro. 

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. What- 
ever in the long run, and with regard 
to the greater number of instances 
men find to be generally inexpedient, 
comes to be considered wrong, 
wicked, immoral. If men's notions 
of right and wrong have any other 
basis than this of expediency ; if they 
originated, or could have originated, 
in any other way ; if actions have in 
themselves a moral character apart 
from, and nowise dependent on, their 
consequences — then all philosophy is 
a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. 

IMMORTALITY, n. 

A toy which people cry for, 
And on their knees apply for. 
Dispute, contend, and lie for, 

And if allowed 

Would be right proud 
Eternally to die for. G. y. 

174 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

IMPALE, V. t. In popular usage to 
pierce with any weapon which re- 
mains fixed in the wound. This, 
however, is inaccurate ; to impale is, 
properly, to put to death by thrusting 
an upright sharp stake into the body, 
the victim being left in a sitting 
position. This was a common mode 
of punishment among many of the 
nations of antiquity, and is still in 
high favor in China and other parts 
of Asia. Down to the beginning of 
the Fifteenth Century it was widely 
employed in churching heretics and 
schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the 
" stoole of repentynge," and among 
the common people it was jocularly 
known as " riding the one legged 
horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs 
us that in Thibet impalement is con- 
sidered the most appropriate punish- 
ment for crimes against religion ; and 
although in China it is sometimes 
awarded to secular offences, it is 
most frequently adjudged in cases 
175 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

of sacrilege. To the person in 
actual experience of impalement it 
must be a matter of minor impor- 
tance by what kind of civil or reli- 
gious dissent he was made acquainted 
with its discomforts ; but doubtless 
he would feel a certain satisfaction 
if able to contemplate himself in the 
character of a weather-cock on the 
spire of the True Church. 

IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive 
any promise of personal advantage 
from espousing either side of a con- 
troversy or adopting either of two 
conflicting opinions. 

IMPENITENCE, n. A State of mind in- 
termediate in point of time between 
sin and punishment. 

IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward 
my deity. 

IMPOSITION, 11. The act of blessing or 
consecrating by the laying on of 
176 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

hands — a ceremony common to 
many ecclesiastical systems, but per- 
formed with the frankest sincerity 
by the sect known as Thieves. 

" Lo ! by the laying on of hands," 

Say parson, priest, and dervise, 
" We consecrate your cash and lands 

To ecclesiastic service. 
No doubt you '11 swear till all is blue 
At such an imposition. Do." 

Polio Doncas. 

IMPOSTOR, n. A rival aspirant to 
public honors. 

IMPROBABILITY, n. 

His tale be told with a solemn face 

And a tender, melancholy grace. 

Improbable 't was, no doubt, 

When you came to think it out. 

But the fascinated crowd 

Their deep surprise avowed 
And all with a single voice averred 
'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard — 
All save one who spake never a word, 

But sat as mum 

As if deaf and dumb, 
Serene, indifferent, and unstirred. 

Then all the others turned to him 

And scrutinized him limb from limb — 

12 ^77 



I THE tSYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Scanned him alive, 

But he seemed to thrive 

And tranquiler grow each minute, 

As if there v/ere nothing in it. 
" What ! what ! " cried one, " are you not amazed 
At what our friend has told ? " He raised 
Soberly then his eyes and gazed 

In a natural way 

And proceeded to say, 
As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: 
" O no — not at all ; I 'm a liar myself." 

IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the 
needs of to-day from the revenues of 
to-morrow. 

IMPUNITY, n. Weahh. 

INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to 
be considered. Said of certain kinds 
of testimony which juries are sup- 
posed to be unfit to be entrusted 
with, and which judges, therefore, 
rule out, even of proceedings before 
themselves alone. Hearsay evidence 
is inadmissible because the person 
quoted was unsworn and is not before 
the court for examination ; yet the 
178 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

most momentous actions, military, 
political, commercial, and of every 
other kind, are daily undertaken on 
hearsay evidence. There is no re- 
ligion in the world that has any other 
basis than hearsay evidence. Revela- 
tion is hearsay evidence ; that the 
Scriptures are the word of God we 
have only the testimony of men long 
dead whose identity is not clearly es- 
tablished and who are not known to 
have been sworn in any sense. Un- 
der the rules of evidence as they now 
exist in this country, no single asser- 
tion in the Bible has in its support any 
evidence admissible in a court of law. 
It cannot be proved that the battle of 
Blenheim ever was fought, that there 
was such a person as Julius Cssar, 
such an empire as Assyria. But as 
records of courts of justice are ad- 
missible, it can easily be proved that 
powerful and malevolent magicians 
once existed and were a scourge to 
mankind. The evidence (includ- 
179 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ing confession) upon which certain 
women were convicted of witchcraft 
and executed was without a flaw; 
it is still absolutely unimpeachable. 
The judges' decisions based on it were 
sound in logic and in law. Nothing 
in any existing court was ever more 
thoroughly proved than the charges 
of witchcraft and sorcery for which 
so many suffered death. If there 
are no witches, human testimony 
and human reason are alike destitute 
of value. 

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adz'. In an unprom- 
ising manner, the auspices being 
unfavorable. Among the Romans it 
was customary before undertaking 
any important action or enterprise to 
obtain from the augurs, or state proph- 
ets, some hint of its probable out- 
come ; and one of their favorite and 
most trustworthy modes of divination 
consisted in observing the flight of 
birds — the omens thence derived 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

being called auspices. Newspaper 
reporters and certain miscreant lexi- 
cographers have decided that the 
word — always in the plural — shall 
mean "patronage" or "manage- 
ment"; as, "The festivities were 
under the auspices of the Ancient and 
Honorable Order of Body-Snatch- 
ers"; or, "The hilarities were aus- 
picated by the Knights of Hunger." 

A Roman slave appeared one day 
Before the Augur. " Tell me, pray, 
If — " here the Augur, smiling, made 
A checking gesture and displayed 
His open palm, which plainly itched, 
For visibly its surface twitched. 
An obolus (the Latin nickel) 
Successfully allayed the tickle. 
And then the slave proceeded : " Please 
Inform me whether Fate decrees 
Success or failure in what I 
To-night (if it be dark) shall try. 
Its nature? Never mind — I think 
'T is writ on this " — and with a wink 
Which darkened half the earth, he drew 
Another obolus to view, 
Its brazen face attentive scanned. 
Then slipped it in the good man's hand, 
i8i 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Who with great gravity said : "Wait 

While I retire to question Fate." 

That holy person then withdrew 

His sacred clay and passing through 

The temple's rearward gate, cried " Shoo ! " 

Waving his robe of office. Straight 

Each sacred peacock and its mate 

(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled 

With clamor from the trees o'erhead, 

Where they were perching for the night. 

The temple's roof received their flight, 

For thither they would always go 

When danger threatened them below. 

Back to the slave the Augur went : 

" My son, forecasting the event 

By flight of birds, I must confess 

The auspices deny success." 

That slave retired, a sadder man, 

Abandoning his secret plan — 

Which was (as well the crafty seer 

Had from the first divined) to clear 

The wall and fraudulently seize 

On Juno's poultry in the trees. 

G. J. 



INCOME, n. The natural and rational 
gauge and measure of respectability, 
the commonly accepted standards 
being artificial, arbitrary, and falla- 
cious ; for, as " Sir Sycophas Au- 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

reolater " in the play has justly- 
remarked, " the true use and function 
of property (in whatsoever it con- 
sisteth — coins, or land, or houses, 
or merchant-stuff, or anything which 
may be named as holden of right to 
one's own subservience) as also of 
honors, titles, preferments, and place, 
and all favor and acquaintance of per- 
sons of quality or ableness, are but to 
get money. Hence it followeth that 
all things are truly to be rated as of 
worth in measure of their service- 
ableness to that end; and their pos- 
sessors should take rank in agreement 
thereto, neither the lord of an unpro- 
ducing manor, howsoever broad and 
ancient, nor he who bears an un- 
remunerate dignity, nor yet the pau- 
per favorite of a king, being esteemed 
of level excellency with him whose 
riches are of daily accretion ; and 
hardly should they whose wealth is 
barren claim and rightly take more 
honor than the poor and unworthy." 
183 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony 
a similarity of tastes, particularly the 
taste for domination. Incompatibil- 
ity may, however, consist of a meek- 
eyed matron living just around the 
corner. It has even been known to 
wear a moustache. 

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist 
if something else exists. Two things 
are incompossible when the world of 
being has scope enough for one of 
them, but not enough for both — 
as the poet Gilder and God's mercy 
to man. Incompossibility, it will be 
seen, is only incompatibility let loose. 
Instead of such low language as " Go 
heel yourself — I mean to kill you 
on sight," the words, " Sir, we are 
incompossible," would convey an 
equally significant intimation, and 
in stately courtesy are altogether 
superior. 

INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly 

improper demons who, though prob- 
184 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

ably not wholly extinct, may be said 
to have seen their best nights. For 
a complete account of incubi and suc- 
cubif including incubce and succuba, 
see the Liber Demonorum of Protassus 
(Paris, 1328), which contains much 
curious information that would be 
out of place in a dictionary intended 
as a text-book for the public schools. 
Victor Hugo relates that in the Chan- 
nel Islands Satan himself — tempted 
more than elsewhere by the beauty 
of the women, doubtless — some- 
times plays at incubus, greatly to the 
inconvenience and alarm of the good 
dames who wish to be loyal to their 
marriage vows, generally speaking. 
A certain lady applied to the parish 
priest to learn how they might, in 
the dark, distinguish the hardy in- 
truder from their husbands. The 
holy man said they must feel his 
brow for horns ; but Hugo is un- 
gallant enough to hint a doubt of 
the efficacy of the test. 
185 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

INCUMBENT, n. A person of the live- 
liest interest to the outcumbents. 

INDECISION, n. The chief element of 
success ; " for whereas," saith Sir 
Thomas Brewbold, "there is but 
one way to do nothing and divers 
ways to do something, whereof, to 
a surety, only one is the right way, 
it followeth that he who from inde- 
cision standeth still hath not so many 
chances of going astray as he who 
pusheth forwards" — a most clear and 
satisfactory exposition of the matter. 

"Your prompt decision to attack," 
said Gen. Grant on a certain occasion 
to Gen. Gordon Granger, " was ad- 
mirable ; you had but five minutes to 
make up your mind in." 

"Yes, sir," answered the victorious 
subordinate, " it is a great thing to 
know exactly what to do in an emer- 
gency. When in doubt whether to 
attack or retreat I never hesitate a 

moment — I toss up a copper," 

186 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

" Do you mean to say that 's what 
you did this time ? " 

" Yes, General ; but for heaven's 
sake don't reprimand me : I disobeyed 
the judgment." 

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensi- 
ble to distinctions among things. 

" You tiresome man ! " cried Indolentio's wife, 
"You 've grown indifferent to all in life." 
" Indifferent ? " he drawled with a slow smile ; 
" I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." 

Jpuleius M. Gokul. 

INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the 
patient and his friends frequently 
mistake for deep religious conviction 
and concern for the salvation of man- 
kind. As the simple Red Man of 
the western wild put it, with, it 
must be confessed, a certain force : 
" Plenty well, no pray ; big belly- 
ache, heap God." 

INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of 

woman. 

187 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to 
advance one's interests. 

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives 
when, according to Wordsworth, 
" Heaven lies about us." The world 
begins lying about us pretty soon 
afterward. 

INFERI^, n. [Latin.] Among the 
Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for 
propitiation of the T>ii Manes^ or 
souls of dead heroes ; for the pious 
ancients could not invent enough 
gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, 
and had to have a number of make- 
shift deities, or, as a sailor might say, 
jury-gods, which they made out of 
the most unpromising materials. It 
was while sacrificing a bullock to 
the spirit of Agamemnon that Lai- 
aides, a priest of Aulis, was favored 
with an audience of that illustrious 
warrior's shade, who prophetically 

recounted to him the birth of Christ 

i88 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

and the triumph of Christianity, giv- 
ing him also a rapid but tolerably- 
complete review of events down to 
the reign of Saint Louis. The nar- 
rative ended abruptly at that point 
owing to the inconsiderate crowing 
of a cock, which compelled the 
ghosted King of Men to scamper 
back to Hades. There is a fine me- 
diaeval flavor to this story, and as it 
has not been traced back further 
than Pere Brateille, a pious but ob- 
scure writer at the court of Saint 
Louis, we shall probably not err on 
the side of presumption in consider- 
ing it apocryphal, though Monsignor 
Capel's judgment of the matter might 
be different; and to that I bow- 
wow. 

INFIDEL, 11. In New York, one who 
does not believe in the Christian re- 
ligion ; in Constantinople, one who 
does. (See Giaour.) A kind of 

scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and 
189 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 



niggardly contributory to, divines, 
ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, 
monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, 
hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, 
abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, 
deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, 
muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, 
confessors, eminences, elders, pri- 
mates, prebendaries, pilgrims, proph- 
ets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, 
vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, 
abbots, priors, preachers, padres, ab- 
botesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, 
patriarchs, bonzes, santons, beadsmen, 
canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, 
deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, 
charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, 
class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, 
sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, 
gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, 
sextons, reverences, revivalists, ceno- 
bites, perpetual curates, chaplains, 
mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pas- 
tors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, 
vergers, dervises, lecturers, church- 
190 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffra- 
gans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, 
muftis, and pumpums. 

INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary 
quo given in exchange for a substan- 
stantial quid. 

INFRALAPSARIAN, n. One who ven- 
tures to believe that Adam need not 
have sinned unless he had a mind to 
— in opposition to the Supralapsa- 
rians, who hold that that luckless 
person's fall was decreed from the 
beginning, Infralapsarians are some- 
times called Sublapsarians without 
material effect upon the importance 
and lucidity of their views about 
Adam. 

Two theologues once, as they wended their way 
To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray — 
An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, 
Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. 
" 'T was Predestination," cried one — " for the 

Lord 
Decreed he should fall of his own accord." 
191 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

" Not so — 't was Free will," the other maintained, 
" Which led him to choose what the Lord had 

ordained." 
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate 
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; 
So ofF flew their cassocks and caps to the ground 
And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. 
Ere either had proved his theology right 
By winning, or even beginning, the fight, 
A gray old professor of Latin came by, 
A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, 
And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still 
As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill 
Of foreordinational freedom of will) 
Cried : "Sirrahs ! this reasonless warfare compose: 
Atwixt ye 's no difference worthy of blows. 
The sects ye belong to — I 'm ready to swear 
Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. 
Tou — Infralapsarian son of a clown ! — 
Should only contend that Adam slipped down; 
While you — you Supralapsarian pup ! — 
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up." 

It 's all the same whether up or down 
You slip on a peel of banana brown ; 
And Adam analyzed not his blunder 
But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder ! 

G. 7. 

INGRATE, n. One who receives a 
benefit from another, or is otherwise 

an object of charity. 

192 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

" All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. 
" Nay," 
The good philanthropist replied ; 
" I did great service to a man one day 
Who never since has cursed me to repay, 
Nor vilified." 

" Ho ! " cried the cynic, " lead me to him 
straight — 
With veneration I am overcome, 
And fain would have his blessing." " Sad 

your fate — 
He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state 
The man is dumb." 

Arel Selp. 

INJURY, M. An offense next in degree 
of enormity to a slight. 

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all 
those that we load upon others and 
carry ourselves is lightest in the 
hands and heaviest upon the back. 

INK, n. A villainous compound of 
tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 
water, chiefly used to facilitate the 
infection of idiocy and promote in- 
tellectual crime. The properties of 
13 »93 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ink are peculiar and contradictory : 
it may be used to make reputations 
and unmake them ; to blacken them 
and to make them white ; but it is 
most generally and acceptably em- 
ployed as a mortar to bind together 
the stones in an edifice of fame, and 
as a whitewash to conceal afterward 
the rascal quality of the material. 
There are men called journalists who 
have established ink baths which 
some persons pay money to get into, 
others to get out of. Not infre- 
quently it occurs that a person who 
has paid to get in pays twice as much 
to get out. 

INNATE, adj. Natural; inherent — as, 
innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that 
we are born with, having had them 
previously imparted to us. The doc- 
trine of innate ideas is one of the 
most admirable faiths of philosophy, 
being itself an innate idea and there- 
fore inaccessible to disproof, though 
194 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

Locke foolishly supposed himself to 
have given it "a black eye." Among 
innate ideas may be mentioned 
the belief in one's ability to con- 
duct a newspaper, in the greatness 
of one's country, in the supe- 
riority of one's civilization, in the 
importance of one's personal affairs 
and in the interesting nature of one's 
diseases. 

IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul, 
and other bowels. Many eminent 
investigators do not class the soul as 
an in'ard, but that acute observer 
and renowned authority. Dr. Gun- 
saulus, is persuaded that the mys- 
terious organ known as the spleen is 
nothing less than our immortal part. 
To the contrary. Professor Garrett 
P. Serviss holds that man's soul 
is that prolongation of his spinal 
marrow which forms the pith of his 
no tail ; and for demonstration of his 
faith points confidently to the fact 
195 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

that tailed animals have no souls. 
Concerning these two theories, it is 
best to suspend judgment by believ- 
ing both. 

INSCRIPTION, n. Something written 
on another thing. Inscriptions are 
of many kinds, but mostly memorial, 
intended to commemorate the fame 
of some illustrious person and hand 
down to distant ages the record of 
his services and virtues. To this class 
of inscriptions belongs the name of 
John Smith, pencilled on the Wash- 
ington monument. Following are 
examples of memorial inscriptions on 
tombstones : 

" In the sky my soul is found. 
And my body in the ground. 
By and by my body '11 rise 
To" join my spirit in the skies, 
Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 
1878." 

*' Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. 
Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. 
and 12 ds. Indigenous." 
196 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

" Affliction sore long time she boar, 

Phisicians was in vain, 
Till Deth released the dear deceased 
And left her a remain. 
Gone to join Ananias and Saphiar in the regions of 
bliss." 

" The clay which rests beneath this stone 
As Silas Wood was widely known. 

Now, lying here, I ask what good 
It was to me to be S. Wood. 

O Man, let not ambition trouble you 

Is the advice of Silas W." 

" Richard Haymon, of Heaven, fell to Earth 
Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off 
him Oct. 3, 1874." 

INSECTIVORA, n. 

"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, 
" How Providence provides for all His creatures ! " 
" His care," the gnat said, " even the insects 

follows : 
For us He has provided wrens and swallows." 

Sempen Railey. 

INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern 

game of chance in which the player 

is permitted to enjoy the comfortable 

conviction that he is beating the man 

who keeps the table. 
197 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Insurance Agent : My dear sir, that 
is a fine house — pray let me insure it. 

House Owner: With pleasure. Please 
make the annual premium so low that by 
the time when, according to the tables 
of your actuary, it will probably be de- 
stroyed by fire I will have paid you 
considerably less than the face of the 
policy. 

Insurance Agent: O dear, no — we 
could not afford to do that. We must 
fix the premium so that you will have 
paid more. 

House Owner : How, then, can / 
afford that? 

Insurance Agent: Why, your house 
may burn down at any time. There was 
Smith's house, for example, which — 

House Owner : Spare me — there 
were Brown's house, on the contrary, and 
Jones's house, and Robinson's house, 
which — 

Insurance Agent: Spare »a^/ 

House Owner: Let us understand 
each other. You want me to pay you 
money on the supposition that something 
will occur previously to the time set by 
yourself for its occurrence. In other 
words, you expect me to bet that my 

198 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

house will not last so long as it will 
probably last. 

Insurance Agent: But if your house 
burns without insurance it will be a total 
loss. 

House Owner: Beg your pardon — 
by your own actuary's tables I shall prob- 
ably have saved, when it burns, all the 
premiums I would otherwise have paid to 
you — amounting to more than the face 
of the policy they would have bought. 
But suppose it to burn before the time 
upon which your figures are based. If I 
could afford that, how could you ? 

Insurance Agent: Oh, we would 
make ourselves even from our luckier 
ventures with other clients. Virtually, 
they pay your loss. 

House Owner : And virtually, then, 
don't I help to pay their losses ? Are 
not their houses as likely as mine to burn 
before they have paid you as much as 
you must pay them? The case stands 
this way : You expect to take more 
money from your clients than you pay 
to them, do you not? 

Insurance Agent: Certainly; if we 
did not — 

House Owner: I would not trust 

199 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

you with my money unless you did. 
Very well, then. If it is certain^ with 
reference to the whole body of your 
clients, that they lose money on you 
it is probable^ with reference to any one 
of them, that he will. It is these indi- 
vidual probabilities that make the aggre- 
gate certainty. 

Insurance Agent: I will not deny 
it — but look at the figures in this 
pamph — 

House Owner: Heaven forbid! 

Insurance Agent: You spoke of 
saving the premiums which you would 
otherwise pay to me. Will you not be 
more likely to squander them ? We 
offer you an incentive to thrift. 

House Owner : The willingness of 
A to take care of B's monev is not pecu- 
liar to insurance, but as a charitable insti- 
tution you command esteem. Deign to 
accept its expression from a Deserving 
Object. 

INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful 
revolution ; disafFection's failure to 
substitute misrule for bad govern- 
ment. 

200 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of 
the prevalence of one set of influences 
over another set ; an effect whose 
cause is the imminence, immediate 
or remote, of the performance of an 
involuntary act. 

INTERPRETER, n. One who enables 
two persons of different languages to 
understand each other by repeating 
to each what it would have been to 
the interpreter's advantage for the 
other to have said. 

INTERREGNUM, n. The period during 
which a monarchical country is gov- 
erned by a warm spot on the cushion 
of the throne. The experiment of 
letting the spot grow cold has com- 
monly been attended by most un- 
happy results from the zeal of many 
worthy persons to keep it warm. 

INTIMACY, 11. A relation into which 
fools are providentially drawn for 
their mutual destruction. 



I THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue 

And one in white, together drew, 

And having each a pleasant sense 

Of t' other powder's excellence, 

Forsook their jackets for the snug 

Enjoyment of a common mug. 

So close their intimacy grew 

One paper would have held the two. 

To confidences straight they fell, 

Less anxious each to hear than tell ; 

Then each remorsefully confessed 

To all the virtues he possessed. 

Acknowledging he had them in 

So high degree it was a sin. 

The more they said, the more they felt 

Their spirits with emotion melt. 

Till tears in cataracts expressed 

Their feelings. Then they effervesced! 

So Nature executes her feats 
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes 
The good old rule who won't apply, 
That you are you and I am I. 

INTRODUCTION, n. A social cere- 
mony invented by the devil for the 
gratification of his servants and the 
plaguing of his enemies. The in- 
troduction attains in this country its 
most malevolent development, being, 

202 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK I 

indeed, closely related to our politi- 
cal system. Every American being 
the equal of every other American, 
it follows that everybody has the 
right to know everybody else, which 
implies the right to introduce with- 
out request or permission. The 
Declaration of Independence should 
have read thus : 

" We hold these truths to be self-evi- 
dent : that all men are created nice and 
equal ; that they are endowed by their 
Creator with certain inalienable rights; 
that among these are life, and the right 
to make that of another miserable by 
thrusting upon him an incalculable quan- 
tity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly 
the liberty to introduce persons to one 
another without first ascertaining if they 
are not already acquainted as enemies; and 
the pursuit of another's happiness with 
a running pack of strangers." 

INVENTOR, n. A person who makes 
an ingenious arrangement of wheels, 
levers, and springs, and believes it 

civilization. 

203 



J THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of 
the great faiths of the world. 

ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotch- 
man. 



J is a consonant in English, but some 
nations use it as a vowel — than 
which nothing could be more absurd. 
Its original form, which has been 
but slightly modified, was that of 
the tail of a subdued dog, and it was 
not a letter but a character, standing 
for the Latin vGvbJacere, " to throw," 
because when a stone is thrown at 
a dog the dog's tail assumes that 
shape. This is the origin of the 
letter, as expounded by the learned 
and renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, 
of the University of Belgrade, who 
established his conclusions on the 
subject in a work of three quarto 

volumes and committed suicide on 

204 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK J 

being reminded that the j in the 
Roman alphabet had originally no 
curl. 

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about 
the preservation of that which can 
only be lost if not worth keeping. 

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached 
to a king's household, whose business 
it was to amuse the court by ludi- 
crous actions and utterances, the 
absurdity being attested by his mot- 
ley costume. The king himself 
being attired with dignity, it took 
the world some centuries to discover 
that his own conduct and decrees 
were sufficiently ridiculous for the 
amusement not only of his court but 
of all mankind. The jester was 
commonly called a fool, but the 
poets and romancers have ever de- 
lighted to represent him as a singu- 
larly wise and witty person. In the 

circus clown of to-day the melan- 

205 



J THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

choly ghost of the court fool effects 
the dejection of humbler audiences 
with the same jests wherewith in life 
he gloomed the marble hall, panged 
the patrician sense of humor and 
tapped the tank of royal tears. 

The widow-queen of Portugal 

Had an audacious jester 
Who entered the confessional 

Disguised and there confessed her. 

'' Father," she said, " thine ear bend down — 
My sins are more than scarlet : 

I love my fool — blaspheming clown, 
And common, base-born varlet." 

** Daughter," the mimic priest replied, 

" That sin, indeed, is awful : 
The church's pardon is denied 

To love that is unlawful. 

*' But since thy stubborn heart will be 

For him forever pleading. 
Thou 'dst better make him, by decree, 

A man of birth and breeding." 

She made the fool a duke, in hope 
With Heaven's taboo to palter ; 
Then told the priest, who told the pope. 
Who damned her from the altar ! 

Bar el Dort. 
206 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK K 

JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instru- 
ment, played by holding it fast with 
the teeth and trying to brush it away 
with the finger. 

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned 
by the Chinese in their pagan tom- 
foolery, in imitation of certain sacred 
rites of our holy religion. 

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which in 
a more or less adulterated condition 
the State sells to the citizen as a 
reward for his allegiance, taxes, and 
personal service. 

K 

K is a consonant that we get from 
the Greeks, but it can be traced 
away back beyond them to the Cera- 
thians, a small commercial nation 
inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. 
In their tongue it was called Klaich, 
which means " destroyed." The 
207 



K THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

form of the letter was originally pre- 
cisely that of our H, but the erudite 
and ingenious Dr. Snedeker explains 
that it was altered to its present 
shape to commemorate the destruc- 
tion of the great temple of Jarute 
by an earthquake, circa 730 b. c. 
This building was famous for the 
two lofty columns of its portico, 
one of which was broken in half 
by the catastrophe, the other re- 
maining intact. As the earlier form 
of the letter is supposed to have 
been suggested by these pillars, so, 
it is thought by the great anti- 
quary, its later was adopted as a 
simple and natural — not to say 
touching — means of keeping the 
calamity ever in the national mem- 
ory. It is not known if the name 
of the letter was altered as an addi- 
tional mnemonic, or if the name was 
always Klatch and the destruction 
one of nature's puns. As each 
theory seems probable enough, I 
208 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK K 

see no objection to believing both — 
and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on 
that side of the question. 

KEEP, V. t 

He willed away his whole estate, 
And then in death he fell asleep, 

Murmuring : " Well, at any rate. 

My name unblemished I shall keep." 

But when upon the tomb 't was wrought 
Whose was it ? — for the dead keep naught. 
Durang Gophel Am. 

KILL, V. t. To create a vacancy with- 
out nominating a successor. 

KILT, M. A costume affected by Scotch- 
men in America and Americans in 
Scotland. 

KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to 
ten volumes of exaction. 

KING, n. A male person commonly 

known in America as a " crowned 

head," although he never wears a 

crown and has usually no head to 

speak of. 
14 209 



K THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

A king, in times long, long gone by, 

Said to his lazy jester : 
*' If I were you and you were I 
My moments merrily would fly — 

No care nor grief to pester." 

"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," 

The fool said — " if you '11 hear it — 
Is that of all the fools alive 
Who own you for their sovereign, I 've 
The most forgiving spirit." 

Oogurn Bern. 

KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was 
formerly cured by the touch of the 
sovereign, but has now to be treated 
by the physicians. Thus " the most 
pious Edward " of England used to 
lay his royal hand upon his ailing 
subjects and make them whole — 

" a crowd of wretched souls 
That stay his cure : their malady convinces 
The great essay of art ; but at his touch. 
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand 
They presently amend," 

as the " Doctor " in Macbeth hath 
it. This useful property of the royal 
hand could, it appears, be trans- 

2IO 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK K 

mitted along with other crown prop- 
erties; for according to " Malcolm," 

" 't is spoken, 
To the succeeding royalty he leaves 
The healing benediction." 

But the gift somewhere dropped 
out of the line of succession : the 
later sovereigns of England have not 
been tactual healers, and the dis- 
ease once honored with the name 
" king's evil " now bears the hum- 
bler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, 
a sow. The date and author of the 
following epigram are unknown, but 
it is old enough to show that the 
jest about Scotland's national dis- 
order is not a thing of yesterday. 

Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, 

Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. 

He layde his hand on mine and sayd : 

" Be gone ! " Ye ill no longer stayd. 

But O ye wofuU plyght in wh. 

I 'm now y-pight : I have ye itche ! 

The superstition that maladies can 
be cured by royal taction is dead, 



K THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

but like many a departed conviction 
it has left a monument of custom to 
keep its memory green. The prac- 
tice of forming in line and shaking 
the President's hand had no other 
origin, and when that great dignitary 
bestows his healing salutation on 

" strangely visited people, 
All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, 
The mere despair of surgery," 

he and his patients are handing 
along an extinguished torch which 
once was kindled at the altar-fire of 
a faith long held by all classes of men. 
It is a beautiful and edifying " sur- 
vival " — one which brings the 
sainted past very close home to our 
" business and bosoms." 

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets 
as a rhyme for " bliss," It is sup- 
posed to signify, in a general way, 
some kind of rite or ceremony ap- 
pertaining to a good understanding ; 
but the manner of its performance 



212 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

is unknown to the author of this 
dictionary. 

KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. 

KNIGHT, n. 

Once a warrior gentle of birth, 
Then a person of civic worth, 
Now a fellow to move our mirth. 
Warrior, person, and fellow — no more : 
We must knight our dogs to get any lower. 
Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, 
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, 
Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, 
Knights of St. Gorge and Knights of Jawy. 
God speed the day when this knighting fad 
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. 

KORAN, n. A book which the Mo- 
hammedans fooUshly believe to have 
been written by divine inspiration, 
but which Christians know to be a 
wicked imposture, contradictory to 
the Holy Scriptures. 

L 

Labor, n. One of the processes by 
which A acquires property for B. 
213 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

LACE> n. A delicate and costly textile 
fabric with which the female soul 
is netted like a fish. 

The devil casting a seine of lace 

(With precious stones 't was weighted) 

Drew it in to the landing place 
And its contents calculated. 

All souls of women were in that sack — 
A draught miraculous, precious ! 

But ere he could throw it across his back 
They 'd all escaped through the meshes. 
Baruch de Loppis. 

LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, 
considered as property. The theory 
that land is property subject to pri- 
vate ownership and control is the 
foundation of modern society, and is 
eminently worthy of the superstruc- 
ture. Carried to its logical conclu- 
sion, it means that some have the 
right to prevent others from living ; 
for the right to own implies the 
right exclusively to occupy, and in 
fact laws of trespass are enacted 
wherever property in land is recog- 
214 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

nized. It follows that if the whole 
area of terra Jirnia is owned by A, 
B, and C, there will be no place for 
D, E, F, and G to be born on, or, 
being born as trespassers, to exist on. 

A life on the ocean wave, 
A home on the rolling deep, 

For the spark that nature gave 
I have there the right to keep. 

They give me the cat-o'-nine 

Whenever I go ashore. 
Then ho ! for the flashing brine — 

I 'm a natural commodore ! 

Dodle. 

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which 
we charm the serpents guarding an- 
other's treasure. 

LAOCOON, «. A famous piece of an- 
tique sculpture representing a priest 
of that name and his two sons in 
the folds of two enormous serpents. 
The skill and diligence with which 
the old man and lads support the 

serpents and keep them up to their 
215 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

work have been justly regarded as 
one of the noblest artistic illustra- 
tions of the mastery of human intel- 
ligence over brute inertia. 

LAP, n. One of the most important 
organs of the female system — an 
admirable provision of nature for the 
repose of infancy, but chiefly useful 
in rural festivities to support plates 
of cold chicken and heads of adult 
males. The male of our species 
has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly 
developed and in no way contrib- 
uting to the animal's substantial 
welfare. 

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, 
named by a frowning Providence 
as opportunity to the maker of 
puns. 

Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, 

Where the cobbler is unknown, 
So that I might forget his last 
And hear your own. 

Cargo Repsky. 
216 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 



LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, 
producing a distortion of the fea- 
tures and accompanied by inarticulate 
noises. It is infectious and, though 
intermittent, incurable. Liability to 
attacks of laughter is one of the 
characteristics distinguishing man 
from the animals — these being not 
only inaccessible to the provocation 
of his example, but impregnable to 
the microbes having original juris- 
diction in bestowal of the disease. 
Whether laughter could be imparted 
to animals by inoculation from the 
human patient is a question that has 
not been ansv^^ered by experimenta- 
tion. Dr. Weir Mitchell holds that 
the infectious character of laughter 
is due to instantaneous fermentation 
of sputa diffused in a spray. From 
this peculiarity he names the dis- 
order Convulsio spargens. 

LAUREATE, adj. Crovs^ned with the 
leaves of the vegetable aforesaid. In 

2 ! 7 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

England the Poet Laureate is an of- 
ficer of the sovereign's court, acting 
as dancing skeleton at every royal 
feast and singing mute at every royal 
funeral. Of all incumbents of that 
high office Robert Southey had the 
most notable knack at drugging the 
Samson of public joy and cutting his 
hair to the quick ; and he had an 
artistic color-sense which enabled him 
so to blacken a public grief as to give 
it the aspect of a national crime. 

LAUREL, n. The laurus^ a vegetable 
dedicated to Apollo, and formerly 
defoliated to wreathe the brows of 
victors and such poets as had influ- 
ence at court. 



LAW, n. 

Once Law was sitting on the bench, 
And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 

" Clear out ! " he cried, " disordered wench ! 
Nor come before me creeping. 

Upon your knees if you appear, 

'T is plain you have no standing here." 
218 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

Then Justice came. His Honor cried : 
" Tour status ? — devil seize you ! " 

'■'■Jmica curies" she replied — 

" Friend of the court, so please you." 

" Begone ! " he shouted — " there 's the door — 

I never sav^' your face before ! " 

G. J. 

LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the 
will of a judge having jurisdiction. 

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circum- 
vention of the law. One of the 
chief duties of the modern lawyer 
is defense of eminent rogues by vitu- 
peration of " anonymous scribblers " 
of the press — an employment which 
drew from that " scurril jester," Edi- 
tor Fum, of " The Daily Livercom- 
plaint," the hortatory words here 
following : 

Take notice, lawyers all. For many a year 
Your cheerful tribe (I mean to stint your cheer) 
When hired to cheat the gallows of its prey 
Or turn the law-dogs' noses all astray 
From a thiePs track, and take of what he stole 
The lion's share — that is to say, the whole — 
Have deemed it right his grievance to redress 
219 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

With fine philippics on the brutal press 

That persecutes a blameless soul — alas, 

How angels suffer from the felon class ! 

Now mark ye, lawless lawyers, if ye still 

Shall think it well to serve a client ill, 

Accept his money on the false pretense 

That slander of accusers is defense, 

Deal out damnation to sustain his hope 

And handle without gloves all things but soap, 

I 'm for retaliation. Hear me swear. 

With head uncovered and with hand in air. 

By that sole deity whom lawyers hold 

In pious reverence. Almighty Gold 

(Whose name, with deep hypocrisy, they spell, 

Pronounce and take in vain without the 1) 

My scourging weapon shall remain unstirred. 

Gracing the pinion of its parent bird. 

I '11 let you struggle for the blackguard's wreath 

And tear your tongues to rags upon your teeth ! 

LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of 
manner in a person of low degree. 

LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal 
much used in giving stability to 
light lovers — particularly to those 
who love not wisely but other men's 
wives. Lead is also of great service 
as a counterpoise to an argument of 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

such weight that it turns the scale 
of debate the wrong way. An in- 
teresting fact in the chemistry of 
international controversy is that at 
the point of contact of two patriot- 
isms lead is precipitated in great 
quantities. 

Hail, holy Lead ! — of human feuds the great 
And universal arbiter ; endowed 
With penetration to pierce any cloud 

Fogging the field of controversial hate, 

And with a swift, inevitable, straight, 
Searching precision find the unavowed 
But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed 

By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. 

O useful metal ! — were it not for thee 
We 'd grapple one another's ears alway : 

But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee 

We, like old Muhlenberg, " care not to stay." 

And when the quick have run away like pullets 

Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 

LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance 
distinguishing the studious. 

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in 
your pocket, his tongue in your ear, 
and his faith in your patience. 

221 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is 
legging it out of this vale of tears. 

LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie 
lion. Leonine verses are those in 
w^hich a w^ord in the middle rhymes 
with a word at the end, as in this 
famous passage from Bella Peeler 
Silcox : 

The electric light invades the dunnest deep of 

Hades. 
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores : " O tempora ! O 

mores ! " 

It should be explained that Mrs. 
Silcox does not undertake to teach 
the pronunciation of the Greek and 
Latin tongues. Leonine verses are 
so called in honor of a poet named 
Leo, whom prosodists appear to find 
a pleasure in believing to have been 
the first to discover that a rhyming 
couplet could be run into a single line. 

LETTUCE, «. An herb of the genus 
Lactuca, " wherewith," says that 

222 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, 
" God has been pleased to reward 
the good and punish the wicked. 
For by his inner Hght the righteous 
man has discerned a manner of com- 
pounding for it a dressing to the 
appetency whereof a multitude of 
gustible condiments conspire, being 
reconciled and ameliorated with pro- 
fusion of oil, the entire comestible 
making glad the heart of the godly 
and causing his face to shine. But 
the person of spiritual unworth is 
successfully tempted of the Adver- 
sary to eat of the lettuce with desti- 
tution of oil, mustard, egg, salt, and 
garlic, and with a rascal bath of 
vinegar polluted with sugar. Where- 
fore the person of spiritual unworth 
suffers an intestinal pang of strange 
complexity and raises the song." 

LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic 
animal mentioned by Job. Some 

suppose it to have been the whale, 

223 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

but that distinguished ichthyologer, 
Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, 
maintains with considerable heat that 
it was a species of gigantic Tadpole, 
[Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — 
Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an ex- 
haustive description and history of 
the Tadpole consult the famous 
monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus 
of Warsaw. 

LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fel- 
low who, under the pretense of 
recording some particular stage in 
the development of a language, does 
what he can to arrest its growth, 
stiffen its flexibility, and mechanize 
its methods. For your lexicog- 
rapher, having written his dictionary, 
comes to be considered *'as one hav- 
ing authority," whereas his function 
is only to make a record, not to give 
a law. The natural servility of the 
human understanding having invested 
him with judicial power, surrenders its 
224 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

right of reason and submits itself to a 
chronicle as if it were a statute. Let 
the dictionary (for example) mark 
a good word as " obsolete " or " ob- 
solescent " and no man thereafter 
ventures to use it, whatever his need 
of it and however desirable its resto- 
ration to favor — whereby the process 
of impoverishment is accelerated and 
speech decays. On the contrary, 
the bold and discerning writer who, 
recognizing the truth that language 
must grow by innovation if it grow 
at all, makes new words and uses the 
old in an unfamiliar sense has no 
following and is tartly reminded that 
" it is n't in the dictionary " — 
although down to the time of the 
first lexicographer (Heaven forgive 
him !) no author ever had used a 
word that was in the dictionary. 
In the golden prime and high noon 
of English speech ; when from the 
lips of the great Elizabethans fell 
words that made their own mean- 
is 225 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

ing and carried it in their very 
sound ; when a Shakespeare and a 
Bacon were possible, and the language 
now rapidly perishing at one end 
and slowly renewed at the other was 
in vigorous growth and hardy pres- 
ervation — sweeter than honey and 
stronger than a lion — the lexicog- 
rapher was a person unknown, the 
dictionary a creation which his 
Creator had not created him to 
create. 

God said : " Let Spirit perish into Form," 
And lexicographers arose, a swarm ! 
Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took 
And catalogued each garment in a book. 
Now, from her leafy covert when she cries : 
" Give me my clothes and I '11 return," they rise 
And scan the list, and say without compassion : 
" Excuse us — they are mostly out of fashion." 

Sigismund Smith. 

LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving 
commission. 

LIBERTY, 11. One of Imagination's 

most precious possessions. 
226 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

The rising People, hot and out of breath, 
Roared round the palace : " Liberty or death ! " 
" If death will do," the King said, " let me reign ; 
You '11 have, I 'm sure, no reason to complain." 

Martha Braymance. 

LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, 
not infrequently found editing a news- 
paper. In his character of editor he 
is closely allied to the blackmailer 
by the tie of occasional identity ; for 
in truth the lickspittle is only the 
blackmailer under another aspect, 
though the latter is frequently found 
as an independent species. Lick- 
spittling is more detestable than black- 
mailing, precisely as the business of a 
confidence man is more detestable 
than that of a highway robber ; and 
the parallel maintains itself through- 
out, for whereas few robbers will 
cheat, every sneak will plunder if 
he dare. 

life:, n. A spiritual pickle preserving 
the body from decay. We live in 

227 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

daily apprehension of its loss ; yet 
when lost it is not missed. The 
question, "Is life worth living?" has 
been much discussed ; particularly by 
those who think it is not, many 
of whom have written at great 
length in support of their view 
and by careful observance of the 
laws of health enjoyed for long 
terms of years the honors of suc- 
cessful controversy. 

" Life's not worth living, and that 's the truth," 
Carelessly caroled the golden youth ; 
And in manhood still he maintained that view 
And held it more strongly the older he grew. 
"When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, 
*' Go fetch me a surgeon at once ! " cried he. 

Han Soper. 

LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on 
the seashore in which the govern- 
ment maintains a lamp and the friend 
of a politician. 

LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the 

leo; of an American woman. 
228 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

'T was a pair of boots that the lady bought, 

And the salesman laced them tight 
To a very remarkable height — • 
Higher, indeed, than I think he ought — 

Higher than can be right. 
For the Bible declares — but never mind: 

It is hardly fit 
To censure freely and fault to find 
With others for sins that I 'm not inclined 

Myself to commit. 
Each has his wreakness, and though my own 

Is freedom from every sin. 

It still were unfair to pitch in, 
Discharging the first censorious stone. 
Besides, the truth compels me to say. 
The boots in question were made that way. 
As he drew the lace she made a grimace, 

And blushingly said to him : 
" This boot, I 'm sure, is too high to endure. 
It hurts my — hurts my — limb." 
The salesman smiled in a manner mild, 
Like an artless, undesigning child ; 
Then, checking himself, to his face he gave 
A look as sorrowful as the grave. 

Though he did n't care two figs 

For her pains and throes. 

As he stroked her toes. 
Remarking with speech and manner just 
Befitting his calling : " Madam, I trust 

That it does n't hurt your twigs." 

G. Percival Doke. 
229 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the mak- 
ing of which entails a great waste 
of hemp." — Calcraft the Hafzgman, 

LITIGANT, n. A person about to give 
up his skin for the hope of retain- 
ing his bones. 

LITIGATION, n. A machine which you 
go into as a pig and come out of as 
a sausage. 

LIVER, n. A large red organ thought- 
fully provided by nature to be bilious 
with. The sentiments and emotions 
which every literary anatomist now 
knows to haunt the heart were an- 
ciently believed to infest the liver ; 
and even Gascoygne, speaking of the 
emotional side of human nature, calls 
it " our hepaticall parte." It was at 
one time considered the seat of life ; 
hence its name — liver, the thing we 
live with. The liver is heaven's best 
gift to the goose ; without it that bird 
would be unable to supply us with the 

Strasbourg pate. 

230 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

LL.D. Letters indicating the degree 
Legumptionis Doctor^ one learned in 
the laws, gifted with legal gumption. 
Some suspicion is cast upon this deri- 
vation by the fact that the title was 
formerly -£-£. d.^ and conferred only 
upon gentlemen distinguished for 
their wealth. At the date of this 
writing Columbia University is con- 
sidering the expediency of making 
another degree for clergymen, in 
place of the old D.D. — Damnator 
DiaboH. The new honor will be 
known as Sanctorum Gustos, and writ- 
ten 1$. ^. The name of the Rev. 
John Satan has been suggested as a 
suitable recipient by a lover of con- 
sistency, who points out that Pro- 
fessor Harry Thurston Peck has 
long enjoyed the advantage of a 
degree, 

LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing 
device of civilization and enlighten- 
ment. 

231 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

LODGER, n. A less popular name for 
the First Person of that delectable 
newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the 
Bedder, and the Mealer. 

LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and 
reasoning in strict accordance with 
the limitations and incapacities of 
the human misunderstanding. The 
basis of logic is the syllogism, consist- 
ing of a major and a minor premise 
and a conclusion — thus : 

Major Premise : Sixty men can do 
a piece of work sixty times as quickly 
as one man. 

Minor Premise: One man can dig a 
post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore — 

Conclusion : Sixty men can dig a 
post-hole in one second. 

This may be called the syllogism 
arithmetical, in which, by combining 
logic and mathematics, we obtain a 
double certainty and are twice blessed. 

LORD, n. In American society, an 

English tourist above the state of a 
232 



THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK L 

costermonger, as, Lord 'Aberdasher, 
Lord Hartisan, and so forth. The 
travelling Briton of lesser degree is 
addressed as " Sir," as, Sir 'Arry 
Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The 
word " Lord" is sometimes used, also, 
as a title of the Supreme Being ; but 
this is thought to be rather flattery 
than true reverence. 

Miss SalHe Ann Splurge, of her own accord, 
Wedded a wandering English lord — 
Wedded and took him to dwell with her " paw," 
A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. 
Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare 
Unworthy the father-in-legal care 
Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth 
That Cadde had renounced the follies of youth ; 
For, sad to relate, he 'd arrived at the stage 
Of existence that 's marked by the vices of age. 
Among them cupidity caused him to urge 
Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, 
Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw 
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, 
And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, 
To the business of being a lord himself. 
His neat-fitting garments he willfully shed 
And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; 
Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear 
A whisker that looked like a blasted career. 

233 



L THE CYNIC'S WORD BOOK 

He painted his neck an incarnadine hue 
Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. 
The moony monocular set in his eye 
.appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. 
His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, 
And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. 
In speech he eschewed his American ways, 
Denying his nose to the use of his A's 
And dulling their edge till the delicate sense 
Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. 
His H's — 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, 
The patter they made as they fell at his feet ! 
Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear 
Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. 
Alas, the Divinity shaping his end 
Entertained other views and decided to send 
His lordship in horror, despair, and dismay 
From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. 
For, smit with his Old World ways. Lady Cadde 
Fell — suffering Caesar ! — in love with her dad ! 

G. J. 








o V 











O^ * o - o 



















•^0^ 





















^UND^ 







• .^ 




